8/17
 Greetings All!

Enjoy my super-special end-of-the-2nd-LCB's-summer blowout spectacular double-issue 2000! Hope your summer went well - another fair-to-middlin' one for me, but that's not so bad.

**

    Why does everyone go to the beach? I'm not talking about those who go to worship the sun or see people in their skimpies and whatnot - i'm talking about those people who just go to be going - walk along it at sunset or along stretches of unpopulated or even rocky seascape. What are they looking for? Maybe it's like those rare sailors from way back, who actually wanted to see the end of the world, where ships would just fall off into nothingness, and perhaps on the way down you could see the chain that the world dangles on which hangs from god's big toe. People used to think that. Not a lot of people. But probably the same kind of people that go to the ocean just to stand there and look at it.

http://www.sementest.com/
http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/issues/2000-08-17/news2.html

    For the love of money: A lab down in Phoenix will test your partner's skimpies for cum that ain't yours! Interestingly enough, they claim that most of their clientele are men suspicious of their wives, and they requested the service before the lab started offering it as an advertised part of their business. Of the multitude of comments i could make upon this, i will make only one: to make sure your partner's not cheating you have to steal some panties? People are getting stupider or more clever, i can't decide which.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/1/12632.html

Kurt Cobain appears on a bar manager's laptop in England.  It can't _always_ be something Christian appearing somewhere  you know.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A34449-2000Aug16.html

After a kid steals a bus to take to and impress his grandfather, he promises not steal buses anymore. Good job there mom. What's nuts is he knows his directions better than most people of any age do. But now he's punished through Christmas, which is fine, because he never gets the kind of toys he wants anyway. You have to empathize with the mother though - buses are EXPENSIVE!

http://www.getexuberant.com/

The "Unofficial" Alan Greenspan Fan Club home page. If you are not aware of who he is, or what he's doing, or how he's doing it, it's useful to know. After all, in some small part, he controls all of your money, one war or another, as well as the course of at least the last few and the next few years of your life. Not to mention, he's the fucking K.I.S.S. of the economic world, so get with it people and get down with your privately funded anti-inflationary miracle-working economist and his bad self.
 

My roommate and i are working on a small altar to be built so that we may worship Alan Greenspan, being the godless sons-of-bitches that we are. There's gonna be a little candle we'll light whenever the market is rising and inflationary figures are good, and a little font full of change that we will bless with offering whenever the Dow is up for the day. We hope that through this, Alan Greenspan will become a deity in our lifetime, and we can go to Heaven and swim in giant pools of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck did on Ducktales all the time.

 *****

    According to Peter Bruntnell, a great musician i've been listening a lot to lately, Bridgwater, Somerset, U.K. is the cider-drinking capital of England. Apparently, it's a very big problem for the small town. So much so that the town doctor, when examining the depression, heartache, and general "malaise" of the town's drinking inhabitants, simply writes "N.F.B" on medical case notes - Normal for Bridgwater. Of course, Bruntnell's the same guy who totally rewrote and semi-mocked the semi-classic "By the Time I Get to Phoenix", turning it into the story of a breakup that somehow involves him being cryogenically frozen and people in the future wanting his head for their bodies. And at the same time he makes it sound very sentimental and heart-wrenching. How inspirational.

http://www.sltrib.com/08142000/utah/12344.htm

DEBAUCHERY! SCANDAL! KISSING IN PUBLIC! COUPLE IN TRUCKS PITCHING THEIR WOO! In a constant effort to keep LCBers up to date on the latest sexual terminology, i have to scour the ends of the earth for everything i can find. But how much further do i have to look than to Salt Lake City, home of Olympic and now Mormon scandalous activity. It seems Mormom teenagers like sex. Go figure. And we're not talking about just making out and groping (GROPING!) on church grounds, we're talking about couple heading back to their cars and trucks to "pitch their woo." What a great term. So open-ended, so beguiling, so honest and forthright. The writing in this piece otherwise is classic as well: "Others eschew romance for tomfoolery: giving each other piggyback rides, vaulting temple fences or pestering those there for quiet walks or reflection." AND '"I think a lot of young people come here to the temple because they know Daddy [Heavenly Father] is watching."' I need to eschew a lot more things for other things i think. That's fantastic.

http://www.latimes.com/business/20000813/t000075764.html

McDonald's goes Mexican. Is nothing sacred?  Yes. That's the point. Another triumph of corporate fascism. They're also selling bratwurst in Minnesota, Lobster Sandwiches in Maine, and a Quarter Pounder in Nebraska that has swiss and mushrooms on it. I guess our McDonald's here in the midwest don't get anything special. Boo-fucking-hoo.

http://www.donaldrollerwilson.com/

Lots of monkeys and dogs dressed up like people and doing people things. The painter of these has quite the patronage list too: Carrie Fisher, Robin Williams, Jack Nicholson, Dan Aykroyd, and Debbie Reynolds. Finally, a site worth REALLY visiting. Heh heh heh.
 

I'm stuck thinking about that man from woman creation myth in that old ignored jewish text i mentioned last time. It got me thinking, all equality issues and truths aside, that women in general are pretty great. I don't mean that in a demeaning Shania Twain sorta way - what i'm getting at is quantity. There are things that men can do what women can't (pee standing up on a regular basis, for example, though they're developing toilets to make that obsolete, but bear with me and think of your own damn examples). But there are a lot more things that a woman can do that a man can't. So much so that i halfway wonder if the male gender as a whole is still in the development phase - when do we get cool features like breasts? On that same line, what if men do really come from women, creationally or evolutionarily or whatever? This would make sense for a few reasons. Why we men can't understand them, ever, but they seem to figure us out pretty quick. Why there's more lesbians than gays. Why they get to be mothers. Why their have more complicated (and more advanced?) bodies in general. And so and so forth, ad infinitem. Thus, girls/ladies/feminists/the whole lot of 'em - should be proud to be called women. What is the word but men with a WHOAH! A big whopping GodDamn of a surprise to the gents who ignore them for the first few years of life. Shortened of course, but, again, it just makes sense. Wow. Damn. WhOahmen! That's what i say.

"What is the light?

That you have

Shining all around you

Is it chemically derived?"

- somehow the Flaming Lips always have appropriate commentary on whatever I'm writing. It just works out that way, i can't explain why.
 

8/7

SO i went to Florida for my little brother's graduation. I took notes of all the notable things in my sojourn throughout the Deep South. Here's all of them: My older brother and I accidentally drove through Rutherford, TN. It's (officially) the Last Home of Davy Crockett. And i saw the house too. But that's about all there is there. Besides a lot of signs saying that that's the last home of Davy Crockett. And it isn't - he spent about a month at the Alamo before kicking the bucket for Texan independence. I also went through a town called Three Way. Couldn't help chuckling a bit at that. I can officially confirm that Mussel Shoals does indeed have the swampers. I also visited Jackson, TN, the "Legendary Home of Carl Perkins." I don't know who that is (nor did anyone), but it's on every sign as you come into town, all directions. Every place we stopped in the South had a different kind of grape soda. No other particular kind of soda was different, just grape. And they all tasted the same. not bad, not great. And for the first time, in Montgomery, AL, I saw beer in a plastic bottle. I never thought i would see the day. Tallahassee, Florida is alone a bizarre city. Every single bar there has an ATM in it. That's a first for me, even seeing one in a bar at all. We also drank in the smallest bar ever there (unofficially, but...) - it's   12' x 20', with four, four-seat tables and a 6 foot long wood bar crammed in there, plus a big TV and two full bookshelves. Talk about cramped yet cozy in a funny way. The ATO house there was a burnt-out shell, as someone, "'accidentally' dropped a candle onto a mattress, then proceeded to try and drag it out of the house, meanwhile setting the hallway and the rest of the house on fire in the process." I'd bet the insurance adjustor was an ATO, you can count on that if ANYONE was gonna buy that stupid story. I'll have to dig up some pictures on that, it's classic. Fraternities down there conform to the more, umm, "classic" types of fraternities: one was suspended for gang-raping a girl, another was suspended for severe hazing by their own nationals organization. And the sororities had WAY better looking houses than the fraternities, most of whom lived in old shitty houses not too much different than ours in Kirksville. On brighter notes, I saw a Heisman Trophy for the first time - it's pretty neat looking, actually. I also saw the Coaches' Poll trophies they give to the #1 football teams each year - also very impressive (a hollow crystal football). I saw FSU's football stadium too - for 80,000 people, it looks really small. Largest stadium i'll prolly see for a long time though. Speaking of that, it's weird to even be in a town that revolves incessantly around football. The first 15 minutes of the local news are about whatever minute details are going on with the FSU football team. They went for a mile run one day i was there, and you'd think Clinton was running with them, they followed it so close. If you don't like football, then, basically, don't go to FSU. Life will be miserable if you do. The capital building in Tallahassee is shaped like a huge penis, complete with testacles. Even architects have a sense of humor i guess. I also attended the worst commencement ever; how a man can become president of a 30,000+ university and can't speak worth a shit is far, far beyond me. But i also understand why many students at major universities take forever to get through - even on early saturday mornings there are unbelievable girls walking about, everywhere. We went out on a friday night too. DAMN. I'd assume it's the same way for girls looking for guys, but i say again: DAMN. Anyway, enough about the Southland. It was a really shitty trip, all in all. Next time i'm flying.

http://www.beavoter.com/register.html

If you haven't yet, here's the lazy way to register to vote.
So you can't say, "I don't know how." All's you can say now is that you're a lazy fuck. And none of this, "I felt my vote was gonna be wasted," or, "It doesn't matter because who i was gonna vote for was gonna lose anyway." Soldiers in the American Revolution didn't stay at home thinking, "We'll win anyway without me," nor did your grandparents think, "The Nazi menace will be taken care of without me." So, vote. Bitches. Please. I don't care who for. You're all smart, and so many voters aren't at all, so i am just pushing the principle of the thing. Right now i'm still voting for my Dad.

http://www.freep.com/news/mich/pyra5_20000805.htm

Always wanted to be entombed in a pyriamid? Hurry up, space is filling fast! Just like a regular pyriamid, except this pyriamid will last millions of years, and will REALLY be out in the middle of nowhere. And you'll be entombed with 299,999 other people too. Okay, nothing like a regular pyriamid.

http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/live/08_01-29/TOP

A 12-foot tall creature with 15-20 inch long feet was spotted near a mall construction site by 3 construction workers, whom the paper specifically noted, "didn't seem to be intoxicated" when investigated by police. A cop later saw a similar creature. Unsolved Mysteries is looking into the case as well. Only in Maryland. It could be the New Jersey Devil crossing over into Maryland, actually, as i hear he likes Orange Juliuses A LOT.
 

My roommate and i decided to join the NRA today. You get a magazine, a free NRA pocket knife, an NRA Shooter's cap, plus discounts everywhere gun-toting Americans who believe in freedom and democracy are welcome. I don't see a gun-rack working in my Neon though. We were both truly inspired by Charlton Heston's speech at the last NRA convention (we watch some C-Span, so shoot us), where at the end of his Moses-like speech he raised an old revolutionary war musket and battle cried at the top of his lungs, "FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!" It was awe-inspiring and unbelievably funny. If anyone ever sits down decades or centuries from now and writes a book propagating a religion related to gun ownership, that had better be fucking in there, or i will be pissed and rolling over in my cold, dead grave.
 

7/31

Greetings!  Some epileptics and others who suffer from seizures have specially trained dogs whose job it is to warn their owner of an upcoming seizure. Apparently, there is an "aura" that an epileptic/etc., exudes seconds before having a seizure, and the warning gives them time to prepare for the seizure (to sit down, lie down, get things out of their hands, loosen restrictive clothing, etc.). Apparently this same phenomenon explains why animals get nervous or anxious before thunderstorms and earthquakes. Something about electricity in the air and being able to detect trace fluctuations. Now if only we humans could develop this, we could not only be able to know the weather better and detect seizures, but we could read other people's reactions feelings better perhaps, even when they're not outwardly explained. It's been on my mind lately; not to mention, i'm trying to get something out of one of my classes, which has otherwise been a waste of time.

http://www.scotsman.com/cgi-bin/t3.cgi/taf/world.taf?function=detail&Scotsman_uid1=TS00104627&desk=World&cat=world&sec=77

A mushroom farmer in Lithuania (my 1/4 home country!) decided to recreate the "fun" and "excitement" of a Stalinist Gulag! He has shaped up and staffed the old collapsed remains of a gulag on his property with what the effects of real slave labor were, as well as real Stalinist guards lurking about. He even hopes to serve the featured entree of the 'ole gulag, oat-gruel and fish-head broth. I was wondering where i was gonna go on vacation. And i still am.

http://www.drinkbongwater.com/

Jolt Cola and Nitro Cola aren't enough caffeine in a beverage for you, are they? And you don't like all the espresso crap and stuff. So drink BongWater! Not only is it high in pot smoke residue, it's a great source of an insane amount of caffeine and sugar! But seriously, why the hell you would name your beverage BongWater is either for two reasons: 1) You smoke WAY too much pot and thought this was funny. 2) Your not even hiding the fact that your marketing this like hell to high school and college students. But then again, you can only buy it online, so it could be either/or.

http://beakman.com/poop/poop.html

Ok, this is just stupid. But I got on Ask Jeeves, and started asking him all the questions I've never had an answer to? Are all women rotten? Are all men rotten? Is God gay? Is there a black hole at the center of the galaxy? Is Jeeves REAL? Is Bjork created from butter and cork? After many more questions, finally, I got a decent answer to one of them.

http://www.newscientist.com/features/features_224950.html

A female scientist went through the very interesting trouble of figuring out why women take so much longer to go to the bathroom than men, assuming equal numbers of each hitting the john at any given time. Pretty neat study actually. And no, it's not perverted. It might justify women getting more stalls in future bathroom design. And might keep us men from waiting all damn day for women to get out. It does nothing however to address gender differences and group theory in going to the bathroom. That may forever remain a mystery. Unless all women are secretly at least a little voyeuristically lesbian, in which case the mystery is solved.

http://www.newscientist.com/lastword/answers/lwa1180house.html

Ok, another New Scientist article. What can i say, they write about neat stuff. This one's about how one can get drunker quicker by drinking through a straw, and all the weird stories and even a study associated with it. Plus, you can find out what "sucking the monkey" is all about, and begin to use the phrase correctly in everyday conversation.

    I was passing Lion's Choice today with my roommate, and we entered into a discussion on what a lion would actually choose. If a lion had a choice, would he choose slow-roasted beef? Has a lion ever had slow-roasted beef? Lions don't hunt cows! Even if they did, would they choose to slow-roast them and steam the buns before eating? I won't even go into how they wouldn't put melted cheese on them either. How could thinly sliced beef even be a choice, let alone any _lion's_ choice? A real lion's choice is to sit on his ass all day, waiting for the lioness to bring home the bacon. Or the bloody, torn-up carcass of an antelope. He might stir occasionally to make sure no other lions who are making choices are considering moving in on his racket, but i strongly doubt he's busy making a decision about what his "choice" is. The king of the jungle does not have time for that shit.

7/27

 Greets!  I was reading Jewish pseudopigrapha the other day. I think it's neat to see what texts ancient Jewish scholars decided _not_ to include in the Talmud (Old Testament to Christians) sometimes. For example, there's an ALTERNATE creation story amongst these texts, one in where Eve creates Adam. I don't remember all the specific details, but basically, Eve's lonely or whatever and asks God for a companion. He basically says she can do it herself, and she does, by pulling him out of a big mud puddle. How appropriate. Much better and more plausible then Eve being created from a male rib. I don't even get the symbolism of it, nor do the finer points of that even make sense. Pulling a man out of a mud puddle is a relatively common occurrence. Anyway, if man is made in the image of God, as Genisis says, does God have a belly button? Was Jesus an innie or an outie? These are some of the few questions i have left about the Bible.

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/bluesky_dougherty/20000721_xnjdo_electric_c.shtml

Surprise, surprise: The Vatican DOES NOT approve of an electric chair (of sorts) being used for amusement, nor is it any laughing or even entertaining matter. Still, let's face it, Italy is a silly place. Home to the world's most embarassing military, a rediculously bizarre monetary system, cities that are literally sinking, and pornstars entering nunneries (see one of the previous LCBs for that link). Thus, an electric chair being used for fun and cheezy entertainment is hardly surprising. Yet, still very amusing. Those silly wops!

http://GraceWeb.org/Laugh-A-Lot%21/Excuses.html

Excuses i can look forward to as a teacher. Children in bed with gramps, children being shot by their parents, as well as students spending the weekend with a bunch of marines. Mildly amusing for most, very amusing for teachers who have to deal with dumbass parents a lot.

http://www.pioneerplanet.com/news/ncl_docs/018502.htm

I'm not sure why i included this one. A columnist for some newspaper in St. Paul, MN is bitching about people spitting, and wanted to know why. And then he bitches back at their personal and perhaps strange yet frankly honest and sincere remarks. Doesn't this whiny bitch have anything better to write about? Why do people like this have jobs? I mean, I occasionally read the Ms. Manners column in the newspaper - I admit it, I'm a downright heathen sometimes, and need to work on my manners - but damn this guy's haughty. Spitting is such a dumb thing to dedicate a fucking column to for any length of time. Then again, they do things differently in Minnesota I guess. Maybe up there it's an epidemic with no end in sight, people slipping on phlegm all over the sidewalk. OR they just don't have anything better to write about, since it's fucking _Minnesota_.

http://chicagotribune.com/leisure/tempo/printedition/article/0,2669,SAV-0007250009,FF.html

Postum.

"What'd he say?"

Postum!

"What's it called?!"

POSTUM!!

Okay, supposed to evoke images of the great Simpsons' monorail episode. Oh fuck it. Postum is a teeny tiny product of the Kraft corporation - so small that they spend $0 promoting it. It's a hot beverage brewed not from tea leaves or coffee beans, but from cereal. Anyway, a Chicago Tribune writer did a writeup on it, and it sounds intrigueing. I'd try it. Maybe it'll be the wave of the future, who knows. *quickie*

http://www.sirius.com/~ccc/maospoof.htm

Chairman Mao as Elvis, Shakespeare, and a number of other historical personages. Silly. Quick. Fun.

http://tsa.mgh.harvard.edu/AboutTS/mozart.html

Did Mozart have Tourette's Syndrome? He apparently had an obsession with talking about shit and pooping, not to mention he leaped and spun about all the time, was hyperactive, and had lots of mood swings. I've only ever met one kid with Tourette's, and he was like that. Of course, he also had an IQ of 160, and had been arrested for governmental computer hacking at the age of 12. Maybe the higher IQ you have, the crazier you become. This does explain Marilyn Vos Savant. But I digress. No i don't.

 Not having anything particularly brilliant to say here, i've decided that for now on, each LCB will end with brilliant yet vicariously meaningless quotes from the Flaming Lips, my favorite band.

The retards loved / when the evening came

but the delirium makes 'em / all the same

and boy you still got / shit for a brain

It's Halloween on the coast again!
 

7/20

Greetings All!

 "When you think cheese say Hautley and smile..."

 Why in the hell would you say "Hautley" out loud whenever you think of cheese, or smile right afterwards for that matter? But that is exactly what the makers of Hautley cheese want you to do. I did this several times, just the humor the poor sap of a marketing director Hautley cheese has, and i felt really stupid afterward. So much so that i will never buy Hautley cheese. It's more expensive AND doesn't taste as good as good 'ole american Kraft cheese, and Kraft doesn't ask you to do stupid things when you think of THEIR cheese.

http://www.toledoblade.com/editorial/news/0g18oil.htm

 A car that runs on used canola oil? I think so. And it only costs $.32/gallon, and can be gotten for free from restaurants and hardware stores. It might only work in an old-ass Volkswagon Jetta though.

*quickie*
http://www.igra.com/

 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

http://www.iacnet.ne.jp/~shift/038/srl/index.html
http://www.srl.org/

 A reporter gives his views on a recent demonstration by the Survival Research Laboraties. The SRL is a "legendary" group from San Francisco who are all enthralled by and at the same time disgusted by the current tech craze. SO, they build robots that swing swords and breath fire and can be remotely controlled to destroy, break, and reak devastation upon stuff. The second link is a link to SRL's site, where you can check out videos of the stuff. Neat, sort of.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3623/eight_pound_man.html

 Rarely if ever have i dropped an Onion article on y'all, since some of you read the whole thing anyway, but this is so good and everything else this week is so weak that it bears repeating.

 So, if you can prove to a jury in england of 6 spinsters and 6 bachelors that you are a happily married couple for longer than a year and a day, they will give you a free fletch - a side of ham. What a great reward! Better than Hautley cheese, that's for damn sure.
 

7/11

Greetings!

 A little bit of news from the West St. Louis County area of note: It seems a band of gypsies is running around breaking into cars at Applebee's and other fine local eating establishments. A little taste of Europe, right here in West County! How often do we get that?! I wouldn't actually believe it until i heard it from someone who knows someone who's dad is friends with the Ballwin police chief. There is apparently a mafia-like organized gang of them perpetrating petty theft, and some sort of task force has been assembled to get them. I have been told that this is not very funny but very serious, but i think they are wrong. It is pretty funny, even though my car is at high-risk. But, if anyone is going to break into my car and steal stuff, i'd prefer it to be gypsies. If nothing else, just for the nostalgia of it.

*quickie*
http://www.stallman.org/dr-laura.html

 Some excellent and perhaps challenging questions for Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Finally. God knows (and he should!) she has all the answers to everything, and isn't some mid-life-crisis-Born-At-Some-Point unthinking, unreasonable Christian.
Nope. Not her.
Thanks to Peter for this very good one.

http://www.johnallen007.com/index.html
http://members.aol.com/JARNERDAV/ChrisAmerica.html
http://pages.prodigy.com/tomsadge/
http://LCASMC.homestead.com/

 So i've been receiving a flood of desperate mail recently, asking me, "Chris, where can I get a Sean Connery impersonator for my bar mitzvah??" Well, look no further. I even found a Madonna impersonator for your wedding, a Neil Diamond impersonator for your next big fraternity/sorority party, and a Mariah Carey impersonator in case you were pondering some sort of hip-hop career suicide event!

*Quickie*
http://www.popcornfork.com/

 Ok, so no one wants to use the spork, despite its utter utility as both a fork AND a spoon. Sometimes the rest of the world's population just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe they'll start using the popcorn fork. Like the inventor believes, i too believe it can save the environment, and you WILL break out of your staunch membership in the "Flat World Society." It even has a salt shaker built into the handle! It may very well be "perfect[!]" for eating finger foods! It _will_ become the fourth most commonly used eating utensil in the home - finally displacing those perennial favorite chopsticks, i guess.

http://www.lod.org/index.html
http://www.lod.org/skullhv.jpg

 Lightning On Demand wants to build a 12 story high Tesla coil to test lightning and its effects, not to mention to just build something that will be and look really REALLY cool. Be sure to check out their Advanced Lightning Facility plans, as well as all the various electrical guns and Tesla coils they've made, seemingly for the hell of it. The 2nd link - The picture of electricity going through the skull - is pretty cool too.

*Long but so good*
http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/issues/2000-07-06/feature.html/page1.html

 A missing set of genitals, necrophilia, a heartless wife, questionable practices at a hospital and funeral home, a frozen head, an organ harvester, a boys vs. girls courtroom drama, some severely incompetent hospital staff, stories changing all over the place, and the emotional breakdown of a Wiccan with a potbellied pig: What the hell happened to Dominic Marion?

No one seems to know.

**
 So India is a subcontinent. A "Subcontinent" is a self-contained landmass on a continent, or a large landmass that is in some way geographically seperate from the continent it is a apart of, yet is too small to be a continent. We do live on a small world. We only have 7 continents. That's it. And only 2 identifiable subcontinents. India and Greenland. I guess Alaska might qualify. And Texas is so, umm, 'socially' seperate that it might qualify as a new category of subcontinent. And who knows, maybe California WILL slide off and be its own subcontinent. Of course, the whole idea of a continent being an entity seperated by water from other landmasses doesn't even fit for 5 of the landmasses (man-made canals don't count). And the two that are seperate hardly have anybody living there! So, i say, what the hell is the point of noting subcontinents, if our continents don't even follow their own rules? You lost me.
 

7/5

Greetings!

    For those who've never seen this before, it's gonna be strange. But welcome! These are the Links to Cure Boredom.

Here's a prayer i recently sent off into space. However, it will not pass out of the Oort Cloud surrounding our solar system for another year, so God will just have to wait.
*****
Oh Great Lord of Chaos!

Knowing thy infinite wisdom and majestic power, I pray to thee with my heart's yearning desires and a wondrous and awesome hope that they may be looked upon with kindness and favor.

 That out of the way, here's my list:

1. I want to be very, VERY wealthy. Everyone knows money is the most important thing in this world, so I want a lot of it. Hook me up!
2. Enough bad things already. We've had enough! We get the point!
3. That things will be done according to years numbered from the beginning of the universe.
     Maybe this will finally enable us to all get along.
4. I hope that John Stamos finally gets a new haircut and a new job. It is _ABOUT TIME_ that the cast of _Full House_ is again gainfully employed.
5. There's this girl at work that's really annoying, if you could take care of it, and stuff. Thanks.
6. Make Pabst Blue Ribbon the #1 beer again, somewhere. 107 years is a long enough drought. Hook us up!
7. That you aren't in the Happy Hunting Grounds and are on this plane, sitting at the center of the universe, can understand radio signals, and English, don't have anything better to do than grant requests from mentally slow human beings, will grant my requests sometime before the Sun expands and kills all life on Earth, as that is probably how long this message will take to get to the center of the universe, assuming it does after going through waves and waves of radiactivity and whatever else is near the center of the universe, if there is a center, which according to physicists there isn't.

Amen.

From: <netcenter@NewPrayer.Com>
To: <dulatt@hotmail.com>
Sent: Saturday, July 01, 2000 8:21 AM
Subject: Notice of Authentication > NewPrayer.com
>
> Your Prayer, composed on 7/1/00, was transmitted to the Last Known
> Location of God on 7/1/00.
>
> We look forward to meeting your spiritual needs in the future.
>
> May all your Prayers be answered.
>
> Thank you for your patronage.
>
> NewPrayer.com
>
****
http://www.newprayer.com/index.asp

 Send a prayer to where God is. You know, the center of the universe. Someone somewhere set up a radio dish aimed precisely toward it (or whatever) so people can send their prayers to God. You can too.

http://www.jesus-connect.net/jesusco/PPS/MastAddict/

 A Christian Guide to Masturbation: "No hands are free to commit sin when you are in the battlefield winning souls for the Kingdom of God." Well what about those in the battlefield winning souls for Atheism, Satan, or the forces of Chaos? I assume they go unarmed, or with hands on their genitalia and fight people with them.

http://www.smsu.edu/contrib/library/resource/election.html

 Here's a resourceful little guide to the upcoming elections, even if you're a Communist, Greens, a member of the poorly named New Party, or any other UnAmerican gorilla who probably drinks nothing but vodka because you're not even a human being. Anyway, every known American political party's web site is linked from here, as is every single candidate's or possible candidate's web site. Even the obscure people. There are a couple of good 'dirt' web sites linked off of here, as well as every single division of every news agency devoted to covering the election. Who knows, maybe you can join an obscure party like "The Patriot Party" and rise to prominence, and break the grip of the two-party system in America. But probably not.

http://www.odci.gov/cia/publications/factbook/index.html

 The CIA World Factbook. Just neat to read. All these islands out there in the middle of nowhere, claimed and administered by lots of different countries, but so many are sparsely inhabited or uninhabited period. Like Palmyra Atoll or Midway Island, for example - ghost islands of WWII activity you are free to visit as an American citizen, but good luck getting there - you'll have to travel with photographers or on yer own sea-farin' vessel.

http://www.geocities.com/trailerparkpage/daniel.html

 This guy will be as big as Vanilla Ice. Thanks to Darren for this one.

http://www.freedomforum.org/news/2000/06/2000-06-29-06.nml

 Peter sent me this one: Why Democracy Sucks (subtitle: How Ignorant Are Americans?) I think it is quite excellent.
"56% [of people polled] favored using the Bible as a factual text in history or social studies." Scary America....

OK, so this week there were, again, a ton of links.
 But they were good links.
 Sing it Links:

Once in awhile, the zebras run
to the spaceman, and his gun,
in the spider's web.
I know they're gonna bump and collide.
I know there's planets wrapped up with you.
I've seen them kissing out in the hallway.

 - Old Flaming Lips lyrics that make absolutely no sense.
 
 

6/28

Greetings!

 I went and saw Fantasia 2000 last night. It was pretty darn neat; parts of it were downright gorgeous and/or amazing, and/or just really really cool. There's one part with all these flamingos dancing except one of them has a yo-yo so they all get pissed off when he starts messing around with the yo-yo during this very ordered dance they're doing but he wraps them all up with the yo-yo, finds a bunch more yo-yos, and boxes them all in the head with like 8 yo-yos or something with a big smile on his face. Anyway, I highly recommend going and seeing it. Fantastique.

http://www.virtualbirth.com/placenta.html

 You're faced with that constant problem, again: What to do with the placenta after the birth? Man, do i know the feeling! Well, some make art with it. Others use it as fertilizer for new shrubs or a tree. Others put it a little lime and pepper on it and eat it for months! And you think i'm kidding, right? Would _I_ kid about all the wonderful things one can do with a placenta? I don't think so. So here's a site for it all, complete with a short cookbook. I told you i wasn't kidding. And they're not kidding either.

http://www.teleport.com/%7Edkossy/kooksmus.html

 I'm simply throwing this one out there for everyone, and especially for the psych majors and those interested in psychology. It's the Kook Museum, where all the crazies get their ideas published for the world to see. Among the Highlights: The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, The Smartest Human Ever Born, Teri Smith Tyler, Plaintiff-Cyborg - who believes that "President Clinton and Ross Perot [are] responsible for the murder of at least 10 million black women in concentration camps, their bodies sold for meat and their skin turned into leather products," and the Truth Missionaries Chapter of Positive Accord, which believes God is up in Heaven having sex with "Goddess", that being Christian and having sex for fun is fantastic and Biblically awesome, and will make you a bishop, archbishop, dean, or even a sub-pope, if you ask nicely enough.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/news/local/html98/rock24m_20000624.html

 And here's a story that LCB will again break, and will be sure to heard of nationally before too long: A guy building a rocket in his back yard that will take him into space, so he can "demystify" it for the common man. A aerospace engineer says his rocket and plan is simple enough to work. The guy even has a centrifuge in his back yard to acclimate himself to high gravitational conditions. He's spent a quarter of a million dollars on this, which come from royalty checks on things he's invented, including an air-powered toy bazooka being sold at Walmart and a laser-light show device being sold at Target. All the credentials he needs, i believe. Give him a license FAA!

http://fuckedcompany.com/

 An absolutely fantastic website about people taking advantage of stupid investors. Ok, really it's a website that sorta like a deadpool for dot-com's. You get on and bet which dot-com is gonna fold next, and win points. Read the official rules to see how it all works, but i suggest reading the news articles listed on the main page for some out and out good humor of people taking advantage of aforementioned investors. Like the guy who "claimed" to have invented a new way to stream video, got $30 Million in investments, and threw a $16M launch party which The Who and the Dixie Chicks played at. All the while he had absolutely nothing of a product or service. It was a complete and utter scam, known as the Great Internet Con.

 I was listening to the radio at work the other day, and heard Alice In Chain 'Man in the Box.' Suddenly i thought, what a great song to play when a guy gets thrown in the penalty box at hockey games! I need to write someone a letter. Other than that, i think it'd be neat to live someone else's existence for a day - literally spend the day in their skin, as Greg Peck's character in _To Kill a Mockingbird_ so poignantly desired. If i had to pick though, i don't know who i'd pick. Probably the Queen Mother, so i could get Prince Andrew's head on a chopping block and swim naked in all the silver and jewels she has laying around the Tower of London. But that's just me.

Please forward this along to friends, Romans, and countrymen, and hopefully maybe some will want to get on the direct mailing list by dropping a short little note to dulatt@hotmail.com .

And remember, as the wise Van Halen hath said,
 "Might as well jump...JUMP!"
 

6/21

Greetings All!

"You've walked 37,852 miles since 05/27/1976. Further than you imagined?" Fuck yeah it is. That means i've walked enough to circle the globe at the equator 1 & 1/2 times, or twice if i walked through all the important stuff around the 45N parallel. Just some of the great info you can discover if you poke around the Discovery Health website for long enough. Which is exactly what i did to get a couple of this edition's links. But i didn't stop there. There was just too much interesting junk not to share, IN ABUNDANCE! And it's summer, it's not like you don't have the time.

http://www.discoveryhealth.com/DH/ihtIH/WSDSC000/333/342/286834.html

 Alright, i admit it, i was reading up on Men's Health. And as you can see, i was not getting it from the male equivalent of Mademoiselle, or such utterly 2nd brain thought-provoking magazines as Maxim or any old porno mag either. Anyway, this article goes a long way toward explaining why abscence makes the heart (and the genitals) grow fonder. Figuratively, literally, and everything in between. Yay.

http://www.discoveryhealth.com/DH/ihtIH/WSDSC000/20813/342/286471.html

 I couldn't cut myself off from reading about health some more. Here's another good link, this time to male v. female jealousy: In the sack or in the soul? Men traditionally are supposed to be more upset about sexual infidelity, and women more about emotional betrayal. But, the shrinks prove the soaps all wrong. And also perhaps that men know their true unconscious feelings better than women? My uneducated yet correct analysis; (being a chauvinist sometimes can be funny, even if i'm just pretending. Or am i?)  >:)

http://buttcandle.com/index.cgi?op=Home

 Although i am unaware, for sure, whether or not this product is for real, it appears to be. Anyway, it's pretty funny that people have such bad colon problems that they're resorting to sticking a candle in their butt to help relieve their problems. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. Reading the procedure alone is enough to cause an audible chuckle, if not perhaps a guffaw or even peals of laughter. Even more humorous is the 18 minute instruction video that accompanies each ButtCandle, IN CASE YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT! Jesus.

http://whiteshadow.pornopartners.com/guides/dolphin.html

 So, you were saying to yourself last night, "Hey, I've always wanted to have sex with a dolphin. How do I go about doing it?" Well lucky for you, I've found a how-to guide for the next time you make it to a coast. It's relaxing and comforting to know that there are individuals out there having regular sex with dolphins; somehow that makes my worldview so much less hectic and problematic.

http://www.geocities.com/lonely451_2000/me.html

 I will make up for that last link with one just for the ladies. I suggest everyone visit it though, because it's so rediculous you'll be writing in yourselves looking for your own gigolo. This is great.

*GRAND FINALE!*
http://www.geocities.com/Baja/Canyon/7665/ROCKIT.HTML
* Note this one is long, but a GREAT story, even if it's bullshit.
+ Actually, best viewed with Internet Explorer, though I hate to admit it.

    Since this week's links were especially long. and burdensome. and especially bizarre. and making up for a couple weeks of short links lists of perhaps semi-interesting stuff, i decided to throw this one in. Now if you remember your Darwin Awards Trivia (and you should, if not, visit http://www.darwinawards.com, search for "rocket car" and follow the 2nd link), you've heard of the legend of the rocket car, a car somebody, somewhere, strapped onto a car and drove it into a cliff. Anyway, THE REAL story is claimed to be told at the above link, and sounds a helluva lot more believable than the original. Even if it ain't, it's a helluva lot more interesting.  And well-written.  It's long though, so get comfortable. AND if you're from Arizona, you may very well know the town in question, though i am only roughly able to guess, only having been to Arizona once. Though i could swear to God the part of Arizona he's describing sounds damn familiar. I emailed him to see if i was right. I'm awaiting a reply.

 Speaking of health and traveling around the earth, i was recently reading that in Italy, not only are the roads narrower and the drivers a hellified lot more aggressive, there are basically no speed limits. The minimum limit is 60mph, and the max is 90mph, but the upper limit isn't really enforced and people drive as fast as possible. Now, i can imagine this would be all fun and dandy most of the time, at least for me who drives TGDF (Too God Damn Fast), but what about all those crazy-ass hot tempered Italians driving around? Let's not ignore wine intake and pasta-eating as well, not to mention their complete lack of military success in the past 1,000 years (ignore Ethiopia, that wasn't much of a success, as it was basically parking in an empty space, and with german help to boot). Let's not forget their lack of Nascar victories as well. I'm more jealous than anything though. It doesn't make any sense...here we have wide open spaces, perfect for flooring it to around 115-120mph for big stretches, and there they do it in windy 2 lane roads through mountains and spaghetti-western country! What gives!

What a world.

6/20

Greetings All!

    It's been awhile, but i sorta kinda took another extended siesta of drinking and carousing, in between drinking and carousing, lodged amidst gambling, tomfoolery, and climbing the walls outside of my apartment to prove that i was a skilled climber, despite never having climbed before. Not to mention some intolerable public comments about breasts. And a wedding. But not AT the wedding. Despite my being the best man. I doubt it was expected. I doubt anyone was disappointed to not hear them either. Sloe Gin Fizz is an excellent drink. I hope to never hear Freebird at a wedding ever again. Especially while working my way through the food line. Puts a whole new perspective on the meat being served, especially if it were turkey or some other delicate avian creature. Haven't seen a bluebird in awhile. I hope that's not bad. I'm not superstitious though. Maybe the bluebird or the abscence thereof is linked to natural disasters. Maybe that would have helped Ivan Browning not make an ass out of himself back in the early 90's. I did discover that i can and how i can sneak into my pool after hours, which makes all that drinking and carousing and tomfoolery justified, like getting thrown in the brig for venturing out of your cell to find the way out of the prison, and thus be able to escape when you get out of the brig.

But i digress. On to links to cure boredom.

https://members.tripod.com/%7Emrpuzuzu/index.html

 So You've Decided to Be Evil?

 You can't just go off unprepared, accidentally doing good and other similar nonsense; you need a guidebook. A step-by-step plan. Something Disney might do if they were to reveal their otherwise nefarious purposes. It'd be like those old Disney instructional cartoons that featured Goofy, like on the exercise equipment, and how to house train a dog. Goofy running around being evil, torturing and pillaging things. Someday Disney, someday.

http://www.echonyc.com/%7Espingo/Spingo/MeatCake/

 An excellent recipe for Meat Cake, for all those of you who cannot get enough meat in your diet. You know who you are. You don't have to admit it. We can tell. And we like it.

http://www.its-me-dollpatterns.com/
https://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com/fangel.jpg

 We've already profiled a site somewhere back in wherever that you can get to model a doll after your child. At this site, they'll simply send you a doll you can slap a face-plate/picture on to, so your child/doll-lover in any strange form can enjoy its company. Just for fun, the second link above is a little picture i created out of boredom of a truly frightening doll to give to your child or, well, anyone.

 I've been watching a lot of Hitchcock movies lately, and it just makes me wonder what the hell that guy sat around and thought about all day. I mean, Jeff Dahmer saw the world as an open menu, and pop music and Nike see it as something to be exploited, and Tiger just thinks of golf and money all day, but what about Hitchcock? I guess he just thought it'd be cute to scare people and challenge social moraes with footage of people being strangled and raped and brutally murdered. With the use of hot chix and Cary Grant. And then go home to his wife and kids and live an otherwise normal life. What a world.

6/7

Greets!

You know that stuff about sleeping with a pillow between your knees to relieve lower back pain? It works. I feel like 1,000,001 bucks. If there were 1,000,001 bucks though, there'd have to be more hunters in the world. Hunters with automatic weapons. And boundless love for shooting them.

A lot.

Not to mention the world would have to have more Pabst Blue Ribbon, because Pabst welcomes hunters. I bet Unwelcome hunters are really pissy to be around.

Somehow it all relates back to PBR.

It always does.

Dennis Hopper-esque character: "So, what kind of beer do you want?"
Matthew Broderick-esque character: "Heinekin?"
Hopper-eaque character: "NAH MAN! FUCK THAT SHIT! PABST BLUE RIBBON!

http://www.accessatlanta.com/global/local/yall/people/johnt/wafflehouse/

 A musical review of the alone and oft-forsaken Waffle House jukebox. The only place i know of where you can get more crap on your hash browns than you may ever want, as well as listen to the most depressing stories on earth by the people who frequent it. I once heard a table behind me tell the entire narrative of how his brother committed suicide, in graphic and LOUD detail. All the while my friend is telling us how he plans to propose to his woman. Jesus. We live in such a dichotomous world. The party bus taught me that.

http://www.ad-i.com/viral/what/synes2.html

 Do you taste something when you see red? Do certain musical notes make you feel like you're touching a plush carpet? Synesthesia is what that's called; eating special mushrooms is what the rest of us call it. Anyway, it's one of those rare psychological conditions where the senses are screwed up in an immensely psychologically surreal way. Cool to read about. Or perhaps to feel.

http://www.jesus.com/

 Hey ladies, wanna shower with Jesus?! Now You Can!
 Some guy who looks like Jesus and otherwise basically sounds like a cheesedick is available and in the D.C. area. He'll quote you Bible verses, listen to classical music with you, and find out if you're "the right woman who is ready for my love, blessings, and unforgettable spiritual exploration will be given the world, but will also want to give me her world in the mutual quest to share the infinite." This guy needs to be crucified.

 For some strange reason (as every story about my life begins), karaoke-ing has become tremendously fun and interesting as of late. We went last saturday, and it was awesome. It may even become a new saturday evening hangout spot. And another place, a wednesday evening hangout spot. Now, karaoke-ing has gotten a bad rap, thanks to the japanese and such "epic" films as Mr. Baseball, starring Tom Selleck as an american baseball player in japan (if you don't get the 'epic' joke, go see "Gladiator" and then "Spartacus" and YOU tell me which one is an epic. I hope this doesn't have to be a debate for another time). Some people _can_ actually sing, and it's pretty amazing to hear them. Others, well, can't. I heard the worst version of "It Takes Two [I Wanna Rock Right Now]" EVER the other night, for example. It helped provide mounting evidence that white people should not rap. Regardless, only about 1/4 persons actually does make an ass out of themselves, the rest are either good and/or strange fun. Granted, watching people making asses out of themselves can be funny, it is also something you have to suffer through, unedited. Thus, the "America's Funniest Home Videos 'Football In the Groin' - always funny" doesn't work, because it gets old and you can't edit out the rest of the situation, which is boring or perhaps even horrifying.

5/31

Greetings!

Anyone know where my camera is? Just asking. It has a tendency to get lost, all the time.

Well, i had a great birthday weekend. I danced with georgeous women both nights, listened to great live music both nights, and lost use of my short-term memory sometime after 1:30AM late saturday night (again). For some reason i got a $50 bill out of my wallet, and then proceeded to punch my roommate on the arm and excitedly scream how i found $50. I also had some discussion with the girl who was singing saturday night, though i have no recollection of it even happening and came home with our bar-list agenda signed "Happy Birthday, Love You, Neko." I don't remember a thing after 1:30. And the THEFT! We stole a tiki torch, a potted plant, and a thirtieth birthday balloon, and that's just from a bar we stopped to piss at! Good work everyone. And i didn't puke. I hate puking. Makes me feel guilty.

http://www.blindwino.com/driver.html

 A fellow by the name of Mark Driver writes about sneaking beer into hockey games and movies, eavesdropping on lesbians, the right way to beat up your girlfriend, and, well, everything that is wrong with America today. Terribly offensive to some (especially those who don't realize he's joking), but i can't help laughing out loud at the shit this guy writes. Anybody who's diet partially consists of Colt 45 scores points in my book.

http://www.freakfarm.com/retardedadvice.htm

 Ok, this is the cruelest site i have ever seen. People write in with questions, and have a mentally retarded person attempt to answer them. I point to this one not really for a funny (it can be a _little_ funny if you can ignore for a moment that it's mocking the mentally retarded), but to point out how seriously fuctup some people's senses of humor are. And  because it's an outstandingly bizarre site as well. I'm a member of that school who believes we need to know how the other part of the population thinks, even if it means sitting through yet another Brendan Frasier movie, or watching an N'Sync video.

http://snopes.com/disney/films/lemmings.htm

 The truth about lemmings, and Disney's not-so-ethical behavior related to its spreading of the fiction about them.

http://www.nytimes.com/library/national/science/053000sci-physics-light.html

 We haven't had a good science link in a while, so here we go: Scientists have gotten light to travel faster, than, well, light. In a recent experiment, light appeared to leave a container before it entered, resulting in the speed of light 'c' to be exceeded by _300 times_! However, almost paradoxically, none of Einstein's laws were broken. Hmm. (you need to sign up [free] into the NY times to read this, but it's pretty damn cool, especially if you like physics stuff).

Card my semi-loony grandmother sent me for my birthday: Picture of a cartoony twenty-something throwing gifts up in the air. "It's your birthday, go ahead and celebrate just like you've always wanted to!" Inside: "I'll start scraping up bail money." Love Grandmother."

You kinda gotta love her.
 

5/23

Greetings Everybody!

 So i turn 24 on saturday. Nothing special about turning 24, really, except now perhaps i can rent a car. At 25, your car insurance drops big-time, and you can drive other people's cars on their insurance, but other than that, no birthdays are all that special that don't end in 0. Even then, they're nothing to look forward to. I guess my 27th birthday will be my Golden Birthday, or whatever they call that when your age is the same number day as when you are born on. So what does that mean though? There's nothing traditional about your Golden Birthday. Do you actually traditionally get gold for your birthday present, like a fat ingot or some big-ass chains i can wear around my neck? Am i supposed to shoot Cuervo Gold? Am i supposed to engage in a Golden Shower?

 I'm not looking forward to my 27th birthday.

http://www.slonet.org/~rloomis/quote.html

 Great collection of stupid quotes, mostly from stupid people. Many a good chuckle in here.

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."

Really. It does.

http://www.latimes.com/news/front/20000522/t000048332.html

 An interesting article on space tourism, and how one guy has put up half a billion dollars to start a company to begin doing it. An american, no less. Not one of those crazy japanese companies, that have had that plan to dig on the Moon for decades now. Of course, it'll cost like hell to go up if you want, but $98k might just be a small price to pay to walk on the Moon. Wonder if Sting will go up, just for the transcendentalism of it.

http://www.feedmag.com/essay/es338_master.html

 FOX!!!!

 Thankfully when you sit down in front of your tele for the evening, you aren't thinking, "FOX can't get worse than what they did last time," because you know, as well as i, that they will. Tonight on the news here, with all the important shit going on in the world, they did an all-team coverage of a bunch of rich girls that beat up some other rich girl. Who cares? They also had a live derm-abrasion thingy, and this is all in the first 10 minutes of news. Fox is so worthless, yet still entertaining. I agree with this writer - it's the same fascination you have while watching a train wreck, except Fox has ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF THE TRAIN WRECK, FROM ALL ANGLES. With a game show directly related to it as well.

http://168.166.2.55/bluebook/chap9/873.htm

 Kinda neat general info on the state of Missouri. "'Missouri' is most likely a French rendition of the Algonquian word meaning "town of large canoes." We're also 16th in population. How about that. Musta been some BIG MFing canoes.

 As one of its many official symbols, the state of Missouri has an Official Tree Nut. Someone actually put the very considerable time and effort to get this accomplished. Children in some rural areas lack good water to drink and funding to go to school - but we got an Official Tree Nut! Another note of Missouri pride: The Mule is our Official State Animal, which supposedly helped carry supplies in World War II. Umm, right.

 Whatever.

As always, forward this along to those who might enjoy it, with love, and small furry animals.