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was for the 90s. We're more sophisticated now in the 00's.

2/17

Greetings!

In this one school i was at today, they have discarded the traditional school bells completely, and instead use music to let kids know when to leave and when to get to class. kids and teachers alike hate it. there's only so many times you can listen to the same part of Beethoven's 5th before you actually start to believe you are at a funeral, not a middle school. Anyway, it's post-Valentine's Day, and to show i am not completely heartless to the occasion, i have a link to past horrid valentine's day cards, none of which i sent to anyone. A school board member does some speakin' too. And featured this week is a great double-link to a Princeton editorialist encouraging Princetonians to take advantage of their acknowledged faux eliteness, and to an excellent humorist who satirizes the editorial to the bone. Enjoy.

*Pictures!*
http://www.capnwacky.com/valentines/valcard6.html

Here are some really poor attempts at Valentine's Day cards. i skipped the first few so you could get on the good stuff, but they get even more humorous as you move along. Lots of pictures, witty commentary, and thoughts of 'what were they thinking?' will dance through your head.

*Quickie*
http://www.mcall.com/html/news/easton/b133disorderly.htm

School board member does some mo-foin' Constitutional representin' of his bad-ass self. Let freedom of speech ring, bee-otch.

http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/Content/2000/02/15/edits/46.html
http://www.obscurestore.com/elite.html

This is a special, double-feature linkage for everyone. It's about Princeton elites fighting Princeton anti-elites. And then one of the net's best humorists, Rogers Cadenhead, satirizing the Princeton article. It makes for at least a good, witty conversation piece if not a good laugh, especially for the Trumanites, since we go/went to an "ivy-league school" of sorts. yes. right. hee hee.

My dog sandy celebrated her 98th human year equivalent on Valentine's Day. That's pretty damn long for a dog to live, though all she does nowadays is pee on couches, beg for food, and sleep wherever she wants. that "kinda like my ideal woman" comment does not fit here, as much as i wanted it to. despite that, she makes for a good buddy-dog, and still receives accolades for being cute and the nicest dog anyone's ever met, though she never learned to fetch beer. she does eat spare popcorn though. strange that i've known her longer than i've known any of my friends. i feel old. she looks hungover.

A chunk of Rennie Sparks' wisdom:

But which is more important:

to comfort an old woman?

or see visions of the heavens in the stumps of fallen trees?

chris

2/22

Greetings!

I believe people are born neither good nor bad - the tabulae rosae thing in full effect. They are just made bad by their decisions, their environment and/or genes and/or parental crack-smoking or whatnot. Still, a recent cropping of public incidents (Marry and Millionaire and an incident here with a teacher assistant in st. charles) involving secret bad people doing bad things in their past and present stirs up the controversy: who the hell is checking into these people's backgrounds? Did someone think, "Oh, he just molested little boys when he was younger - i'm sure he's fine now - we'll let him be a teacher assistant at a middle school..." or "He beat up his ex-fiance and threatened to kill her - he'd make a great TV wedding groom!" I guess the systems in place normally catch these persons - somebody just missed their morning cup of coffee or thought a restraining order was 'no big deal.'

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/millionaire/millionaire.shtml

The Links to Cure Boredom first reported a while ago on the sheer, raw, and pure E-ville that was the Marry a Millionaire show. My gut feeling of being truly disturbed has now come to full fruition with this link: turns out he beat and threatened to kill his ex-fiance. A restraining order was placed against him, and really, he may not be a millionaire, just someone who can fake it. Anyway, i can't help but feel SO justified. They're on honeymoon right now though, so they can't be reached for comment. Having the time of their lives, assuming she's not bound and gagged. Yay Fox!

http://www.urel.berkeley.edu/urel_1/CampusNews/PressReleases/releases/01-27-2000b.html

Big-time energy discovery/breakthrough: algae can be tapped for hydrogen fuel. Hydrogen used as fuel from this source is 100% renewable, and utterly environmentally friendly - the chemical process of providing energy for an automobile produces pure water as a by-product. We may yet see hydrogen cars in our lifetime.

*Pictures*
http://www.adobe.com/print/gallery/lightstudios/image11.html

Cool panoramic moon picture - one of many in a collection that has been rarely seen before, because they originally came out all messed up till this guy cleaned them up.

http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns222631

Here to explain why loud music kicks ass is a psychologist who studies the Psychoacoustics of Rock:
"'It's bloody loud in there,'" Todd says."
Fuck yeah it is!
 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Matt for the stats. I had never really taken the time to count or figure out what the hell i've been doing with this chihauha-like animal that is the LCB. i enjoy doing it, for all kinds of strange, hard-to-explain reasons, and though i've been getting links for more and more disparate sources, they have maintained that wonderful tapioca-like consistency that enthralls both writer and readers alike. I did update the homepage recently so all can catch up at their leisure, though i thought for some fuqed reason to put the oldest of the recent stuff first.

Whatever.

2/24

Greetings All!

Someone i don't know never asked me, "So hey chris, what would your ideal website be like?" A bad question. I would have to say though that it'd prolly be something paradoxical, like the perfect malt liquor, or the "best" version of the Bible. I imagine it's out there somewhere, some sort of Happy Transvestite Goth Clowns Eating Meat, Firing Machine Guns, and Singing Happy Calypso Songs About Centuries Old French Philosophers and How to Get Backflipping, Cabbage-Patching Tech Support Guys to Listen to You. But that's just me. Of course, i share Paul Allen's and Bill Gates's versions of a "wired world", so perhaps my dream is not too far off.

http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-datingvoltaire.html

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a short display of the problems in dating Voltaire, the famous French philosopher, if anyone has ever considered it.

http://www.webhelp.com/intro1.html

This is really awful. It's supposed to be the intro to one of those internet-help websites. But it's SO awful it's funny. The GIFS of people dancing and doing backflips about receiving tech support though are worth a visit alone.

http://www.fadetoblack.com/farrakhan/

It seems that back in the day, Louis Farrakhan, current controversial, anti-semitic, racist leader of the Nation of Islam, was a calypso singer who released a few albums under the stage name of "The Charmer." This little web-zine decided to track them down....

*Picture Gallery*
http://ww4.webbernet.net/~cryptie/portfol.html

I find few things funnier than a goth transvestite who takes himself incredibly seriously. I especially like the picture of him at work, driving the forklift. I may frame that and put it on my wall.

So i'm sitting here with ranch Pringles and a tall boy of Stag saying to myself, Damn, these were some damn funny links. I mean, they're usually pretty funny, but damn. I have people to thank for this, mind you. The Anheuser-Busch Corporation, for producing such fine quality St. Louis products, many of which are consumed in the making of this, despite Stag being a Milwaukee beer. Anyway. The U.S. Army, for keeping all of us safe while we're writing and reading our little hearts away. May your budget rise from 9% to 10% soon, because after all Star Wars wasn't such a bad idea, was it? And finally, Alan "Fucking!" Greenspan. Your rock star approach to economics makes me proud to be a citizen of a nation operating under monetary policy. Wave that flag Alan - wave it proud, and long may you be emperor of our wallets and our hearts.

2/29

Greetings all

I was listening to this one teacher the other day (it's what i do), and he assigned a paper on an in-class viewing of The Road Warrior. Although not wholly relevant to my classroom observation assignment, i had to fucking know how one incorporates The Road Warrior into an senior level high school American Government paper. When i asked him, he said that it was supposed to teach some lesson about anarchy vs. american democracy, comparisons and contrasts. It seemed his main reason though was just to watch something cool that the kids in the class might connect to American government in some random way. If he can do this, then i can think of some kickass movies to "teach about history." History of the World Part I comes to mind, as does Rambo: FB P.II, Missing In Action 1, 2, and 3. I won't even go into detail over how much i think 'Over the Top' relates to the formation of American unions, or how important 'The Doors' movie is into understanding the sixties. It should be self-explanatory, really.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3605/cram_in_my_anus.html

This is a good little article about that wonderful but supersecret practice of people cramming things up their anus. What fun we had/have in college. So much for keeping fraternity secrets. Sorry guys. And girls. Whoops.

http://www.rentajerk.com/

It's possible you've heard of this sorta thing before, but it's a service that will be an absolute fucking jerk for you, for a fee. They will call and break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend for you (and even tape it if you want), remind a friend of a loan, or even call your co-workers and bitch them out about whatever you want.

http://www.alibi.co.uk/indexuk.html

So you wanna cheat on your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, but you just haven't figured a fool-proof strategy? Well, there isn't one, at least not yet in the U.S. But there may be soon. For now, check out this agency in England that currently provides all-bases-covered alibis for cheating spouses/partners. It is currently expanding to the U.S., and you can even start your own franchise of it if you are feeling adventurous and ready for a lawsuit.

http://www.sptimes.com/News/022700/TampaBay/Baseball_star_s_woes_.shtml

Notice: Darryl Stawberry's fundraiser for a St. Petersburg Boys and Girls Club is cancelled. Said Strawberry in a letter to sponsors before his recently failed drug test, "There are drug deals going on right in their back yards." Perhaps you shouldn't have been a part of them Darryl? The end of the article sounds downright Dickensian. And no, I don't get to make that kind of reference enough.

I saw this old National Geographic TV special today on how a few American doctors out there are able to ascertain with 75-90% accuracy someone's physical ailment by measuring electrical impulses in your ear according to a chart of life lines there provided by a 5,000 year old Chinese text and drawing. It was pretty neat.

Today is a special day - on the hundred year day of every century, you're supposed to skip the leap year day you're supposed to have. Except in '00 years divisible by 400. So, have an extremely rare day everyone. Too bad you weren't trying to make babies 9 months ago, then your child would have some stupid reason to feel special if it was born today.

3/2

Greetings!

Well i've been up to Paris, and i slept in a park. Went down to Barcelona - someone broke in my car. And i'll search the world over, for my angel in black. Yeah i'll search the world over, for a Eurotrash girl.

*Picture*
http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a38b338b85b2a.htm

Back in the old days, people were always looking to see if God was on their side in a given cause. Well, as far as which political side Satan is on in the upcoming presidential election, i think this picture makes it plainly obvious. BTW, if you're a Republican, this just goes to prove what you knew all along. If you're a Democrat, this is an evil Republican smear plot. If you're a Libertarian, you're STILL desperately searching for a realistic presidential candidate and just to help you out: Drew Cary and Woody Harrelson probably won't cut it.

http://www.pinstruck.com/

Neat little webtoy that allows you to put voodoo curses on your friends, along with nice little sadistic messages and a picture of a pinned up doll that resembles the victim. I strongly suggest everyone give it a try. Enjoy!

http://www.earthstation1.com/

AWESOME collection of sound files and pictures of all kinds of stuff, from good/interesting/useful historical stuff, to really weird stuff like Orson Welles whining about a frozen food commercial he had to do in the 1950's (not from The Critic show, this is really Orson Welles from the 1950's). and EVERYTHING in between, including a big archive of sound effects, TV show themes, and countless other topics. i suggest if you're looking for funny stuff, go to the Audio Weirdness section and then the Really Weird section of that and start with the balls.wav link. it's a bit of a download, but it is very much worth it. at least ben will like it anyway.

I had a very chance meeting with a guy by the name of Al Trost. Actually, i observed his classroom today. Anyone who knows something about St. Louis's soccer history would recognize the name - he was coach of the St. Louis Steamers back in the early 80's, when they were the best in the league and had big Major Indoor Soccer League names such as Don Ebert, Tony Glavine and Daryl Doran, the latter of which refuses to die or quit playing soccer in st. louis, on whatever team he can get on. Anyway, it turns out this highly successful soccer coach from way back when in a league that faltered and collapsed now coaches high school girls' soccer and is a piss-poor American history teacher. Maybe it's one of those stories where so goes the neighborhood, so goes the man. Heh.

3/6

Greetings!

Back in ancient times, great prophets read the entrails of various animals to predict the future. Something has always bothered me about this. I mean, why "animals' entrails"? What's so special about them? Ok, so birds and deer and such have special abilities that we humans don't have, and so through some sorta fuzziological argument about however they digested their food, there was magic and a seer can harness that magic to predict the future, by reading the magic on the foldy, wrinkly entrails. Alright. But there's lots of weird stuff to look at that's magical like that. Take rock formations for example. And the weird gray squishy wrinkly matter inside of all living things with heads. You'd think they'd a gotten a handle on the brain a whole lot earlier than the middle ages. Then again, maybe what we all commonly accept as historical fact is really pure hogwash mixed and confused because we simply don't know what the hell the common man thought throughout time. For example, when Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 14 hundred 92, most everyone knew the world was round. But for some dumbass reason, the few stalwarts that existed were able to push their opinions into the historical record, and thus we have our erroneous opinion only recently corrected. Maybe it's the same way with the importance of the brain, and predicting the future. Then again, what do we use now? Polls. Censuses. Educated guesses based on observations about the past. In other words, exactly like those guys using entrails way back when. People getting information from something filled with shit - in the present-day case, other unpredictable human beings. Polls are wrong half the time, the census always seems to miss 15% of people, and educated guesses that are seemingly always half wrong too. Some of the ancients may even have been more successful with entrails, who knows.

http://www.newscientist.com/alcohol/alcohol.jsp?id=ns221459

The neuro-physio-psychological science of drunkenness - why you get excited, happy, blurry, sleepy, horny, violent, and why everything suddenly starts spinning sometimes, as well as why that one point occurs where you either doze off to sleep, or do something you regret doing. or both. And why i/you/her/him can't remember it the next day. Lots of other good drunk-related article links beside it too.

http://www.thescaryguy.com/

I am only scared of what i do not understand. I am scared of this. The Scary Guy is apparently (i would say arguably) America's Only Live Comic Book Hero. By the picture of this guy, you'd never be able to tell his favorite movie is Mousehunt, and that he likes recess lunch, p.e., and jazz, and wants to teach kids ethics. Oh well. He never says who his nemesis is though - probably some clean-cut guy who likes gregorian chant and solving math problems.

http://www.salon.com/health/sex/urge/world/2000/02/23/penis/index.html

I should not, would not, could not staple my penis to a crucifix and THEN set it on fire - for a mere $245, that is. He did get national exposure (zing!) on some major network channel in New Zealand - that's where it took place - we Americans and Fox are tame. Anyhow, just thought i'd keep you up to date on the latest thing some men will do with their penises for attention.

speaking of penises, i went saw Gore speak at UMSL today. it was my first time ever seeing a president or vice president in the flesh, and since i was there already for classes, and it was free, i figured what the hell. Many thoughts were inspired by this visit, so i shall share:
1. If i ever have a bowling team, and god-willing i will (!), i want a guy named al gore on it. sounds like the name of that guy on your team who's not so good but buys a lot of pitchers and you get so drunk you don't care what you scored and your wife/girlfriend/mistress has to come get you from the alley. Albert. good 'ole Al.
2. So i'm at this Gore rally and i'm wondering, where's the whiskey? i mean, all (ok, maybe just a couple) of the articles i've read about campaigns in the past said the candidates brought whiskey for the people and voters often decided who they'd vote for by who had the better whiskey. all's i'm saying is what the hell gives. you're not in the poorhouse albert! give us some g'damn WHISKEY!
3. the secret service guys are just as fucking COOL as in the movies. way to go Hollywood - you got that one RIGHT the fuck on! ear-piece in the ear with the finger holding it close because it's noisy, black suits, zero facial expression, guys tough as fucking nails. they kick ass.

"Now dance lightly about the room looking everywhere for your balls!"

3/10
 
 

Greets!

Ok, so this woman walks to and from the grocery store, for about an hour, with a big kitchen knife in her neck and fails to notice. Fair enough. Ok, not really. And there 700-something pages in Elvis' FBI file - but nothing about drugs, mobsters, or court proceedings. Just candid correspondence from Hoover and the king. Fair enough. Then again, not fair at all, yet strangely weird and sorta erotic. Frat boys on the beach with sheep. You'd think they could find some women, being the Crown and Lance fraternity (the sexual implications of that are rediculous and ass-uming a lot). The Illumanati have some things to say about all this:
"It doesn't matter who the people voted for; they always vote for us".
Truer words were never spoken. And finally, communism is dead. Ok, well just the founder, and he's in England of all places.

http://www.phillynews.com/inquirer/2000/Mar/04/city/SSTAB04.htm

Woman walks to and from store, unaware of knife in her neck. And no one bothered to mention it to her either. it was there for an hour or so. that's just fuqd. and she still didn't seem to care.

http://e.findlaw.com/fbi/

FBI files on a number of famous celebrities. Errol Flynn's file helps prove his fantastic voyage from Robin Hood to adventurous Pacific commie, does nothing to help prove my case that Elvis testified against mobsters and then went and is still in witness protection somewhere, and shows how much of a god damn patriot John Wayne was, despite doing nothing to prove that John Wayne was gay. It helps if you read the above paragraph in your head with George C. Scott's voice saying it - it sounds so much cooler.

*Quickie*
http://www.newsday.com/coverage/current/news/thursday/nd7955.htm

What is it with fraternities and sheep? And _on the beach_? What the hell? Were they trying to romance the sheep? Even stranger is that there was no alcohol involved. They were going to do something ...sober ...to the sheep?

http://vvv.gh.wh.uni-dortmund.de/illuminati/Illuminati-Quotes.txt

Most excellent quotes from past and present members of the Illuminati, the secret organization that really runs all of our lives behind the scenes. Past members include all U.S. presidents (except Carter, who seems to have been rejected by all behind the scenes World Domination groups, prolly 'cause he was from Georgia), Rothschilds, J.P. Morgan, Rockefellers, and any one else with money who isn't an Arab. I was raised on ultra-righting propaganda, and i'll be god-damned if it still isn't a thing of beauty. (again, George C. Scott voice here works wonders).

*Pictures*
http://members.xoom.com/dulatt/26large.jpg
http://members.xoom.com/dulatt/30large.jpg

Who says Communism isn't dead? But seriously. Communist officials back in the day used to come to this spot to have their picture taken with the original Man as a sign of pride in their communist beliefs and as a symbol of communist nationalistic fervor. The irony is that Karl Marx is buried in England, and never once went to Russia, or really anywhere even near it. I find the second picture additionally ironic - kinda like in the jumble of political philosophies in the world, communism sorta lies looming in the background. Heh.

Yet another bout of insomnia has got me up and thinking again, this time about the 'supposed' infertility problems of Roc and his wife on the now cancelled Fox show _Roc_ from several years back. I wonder if there really are couples out there who to conceive have to "ride the snake to the ancient lake" at certain times of the day, or if this is some early Fox misconception-scheme so that a crazy bald black trashman in the hood can spout sexual exhaustion remarks while his dad looks on and chuckles 'about them kids.' Why was this show cancelled anyway?

3/14

Greets!

It seems everyday or at least every other day i get a word of the day in my head. I tend to use this word repeatedly in every possible context, even if it doesn't really fit, because i just like saying it. Like the word "clusterfuck". What a great word. It just rolls neat off the tongue. Try it. Anyway, today it's the word 'git.' Someone can be a stupid 'git'. It doesn't appear in most common dictionaries at all, but is a snobby British slang word for, well, here's the definition:

git (n) : stupid person, jerk, also nasty person, real bastard, "Americans have different ways of saying things. "They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'...they say 'president', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'..."-Alexi Sayle.

The above is best read in the style of that one Australian guy who does all the "Croc" shows on the Animal Planet network.

http://colitz.com/site/819814/819814.htm

If only i had belonged to a classy fraternity like any that used this "wacky" patent - an initiation machine that worked something like big clown shoes, except that every time you stepped you were shocked. Like every torturous rite of initiation, this one is guaranteed to please, especially in an electrical engineering fraternity that would probably be the only one to go through such a hassle of an initiation.

*quickie*
http://www.ocregister.com/community/gay010w.shtml

Another one to file under the What The Fuck? category. Mask-wearing gays, a run-by principal biting, and anarchists, all at a school-board meeting. Only in California? Methinks so.

*quickie*
http://www.herald.com/content/sun/news/dade/digdocs/048794.htm

I put this link in not because it's tremendously interesting; i just wanted to comment on how cool it would be for every state to have a Commissioner of Barbecue. I want to be the Commissioner of Barbecue. You'd get to travel all around the state, presiding at state fairs as the official judge of all the barbecue contests. People kissing your ass to win, all the while you eat great barbecue and hob-knob with the rich and famous because you're on the governor's staff. That'd rock.

http://www.laweekly.com/christ/cavalcade/jesi/jeus001.htm

Continuing with my trek on the highway to Hell, here's a great picture collection + commentary of various Jesus images from all kinds of paintings and religious Americana. Simply click on the Next Christ link at the bottom of the page for 25 something rediculous images of Christ with sheep, little children, goatees, and all kinds of witty commentary.
If he really is the Son of God, i am so fuqd in the afterlife it's not even funny. Ok, it is funny.

http://www.timecube.com
http://www.abovegod.com/

I am not even gonna try and make sense of either of these sites; i just am throwing them in for your entertainment, confusion, newfound religious beliefs, etc. I have previously mentioned Cubism as a religion among the truly mentally screwed up, but these sites attempt to explain it in a very chaotic and large-fonted way that both scares me and intrigues me into exploring Cubism as a silly and horrifying way to explain away this complex yet explainedly simple world.

Lately i have been trying to incorporate more music by women into my music collection. I'm trying to combat my personally diagnosed chauvinism, which some women i know say can't be helped (and they can go to Hell as far as i'm concerned, damn wenches), as well as broaden my horizons beyond the standard 6 miles that people generally see when standing on a flat treeless plain on earth. In my musical collection, where Stereolab resides next to my Hank Williams Sr. CDs, which are right next to Cracker and a couple of local bands' CDs, this is not only difficult, it's downright confusing. Guys generally form bands and make music more often than girls do, simply put. So, trying to incorporate women into my musical collection is like trying to incorporate Appalachians and Ozarkians into the U.S. Census - they don't want to be, and they'd rather not exist. Ok, maybe not, but it was something of a segway into saying that i'll be working for the U.S. Census this summer in the Ozarks. I am in an excited state. Like warm helium.

Christ-Bear-er

3/16

Greetings!

This bed is on fire, with passion and love
the neighbors complain about the noises above
but she only comes when she's on top.....

this edition we delve into psychoses of the mind, body, and soul. as well as pass some more road signs on the highway to hell. as well as try really hard to get an annoying song from years' past stuck in your head.

http://www.msnbc.com/news/382065.asp#BODY

A big upset to mad scientists everywhere: The U.S. Patent Office has declined to give out any patents for individual genes, which will prevent the genetic domination and breeding that The One World Government, The New World Order, and The Multinational Zionist Conspiracy wanted to undergo to take over the world. Anyway, it sent biotech stock prices tumbling big time, as well as pissed off scientists who are more interested in money than the good of mankind.

http://www.blindwino.com/satanframe.html

Back a couple of years ago, Satan thought it was a good idea to set up an advice column for those, well, needing advice from a high power. Anyway, back in the day it had quite a following, including myself and all my friends, who, in the words of my mother, basically worshipped the devil. and we did. we wrote in, read faithfully, absorbed all the advice, and even had several letters published, though if you can find them in the archives i will be impressed. anyway, this is a mirror/archive of that whole business, as well as The Prince of Darkness's temporary (?) return to the business of corrupting souls. he's quite a witty and knowledgable writer (in all seriousness, though it may not look like it at first). i would also recommend backing up and looking at blindwino.com's other stuff, as the archive is fucking great stuff.

*Quickie*
http://www.editionnine.deathrowbook.com/noflash/nf_sertest.htm

Time to discover if being a serial killer is in your future: The Serial Killer Profile Quiz! If you're like me, you'll notice two things: 1. Small towns must be a breeding ground for serial killers and 2. So is high school, everywhere. This quiz almost makes it sound like fun. And btw katie, you were almost right about me. almost may not count though when diagnosing wackos.

http://www.magna.com.au/~raymond/patrnsaints.htm

Entire listing of catholic patron saints. Be sure to check out Sts. Adelard, Albert the Great, Andrew Avellino (please don't let me suddenly die god!), Antony the Abbot, Christopher (no longer a saint, but funny still for sheer plethoric volume), Genesius, Giles, Lidwina, Polycarp, Rita, and Sebastian. Basically, everybody somehow gets at least half a dozen patron saints, and that's assuming you have only one job, no wife, kids, or pets. And don't do anything else. And those saints are all busy as hell intercessing with god for everything from throat trouble to safe sailing. sounds like a great eternal reward for a life of servitude!
 

So i went and saw The Blacks last night, a combo angry-bitch/lounge singer/rock/country/rockabilly act that i like very much and no one usually shows up to (not to be confused with other bands about darkness though). i was surprised to see more gender neutral persons than i have ever seen in one spot before (and that includes my family gatherings!). As well as lots of sophomores and freshmen lesbians. And the whole range of them too: from short fat butch dykes to the saucy little youngins who were trying to get the former to dance. there was even some sort of group lesbian thing going on. After one too many Lone Stars (and really, it was only one - Lone Star's Texas's answer to Natural Light, and answer it does), i was loitering in their vicinity strongly considering dancing with one of the more boisterous ones, mainly to see if i could get a reaction out of one of the SFBD's, but, to no avail. i didn't. i am a paradigm of pure human frailty, even if it was for my own bizarre fun that will probably offend most people. But hey, Melissa Etheridge calls herself a [butch] dyke like a badge of honor, so who am i to rob anyone of their honor?

The things (uh uh) you say (uh uh)
your hot buns just give you away

3/21

Greetings Everybody!

I watched a special on Sodom and Gomarrah on the history channel tonight. it's ironic in that scholars point out that god wasn't really punishing Sodom and Gomarrah for immorality; he was punishing them for having bad hospitality, a terrible crime in ancient society, apparently. A bad segway, but a segway nonetheless:

http://www.foxnews.com/etcetera/0315/e_rt_0315_7.sml

Either close the illegal drinking dens or make love to us, a group of Nairobi women said to police in Kenya, after their husbands come home every night too drunk to have sex. I love how FoxNews leaves what happened up in the air. Time to get down on your knees and thank whomever you would thank when on your knees for the pure delectable goodness that is Fox.

http://jraxis.kracked.com/atheism/simulator/main.html

Play God. A great look at biblical and post-biblical history through the eyes of God and the decisions he has made. try it yourself, see how you do. This was educational and great fun, not to mention a seriously smart-ass dig at Christianity.

http://www.smug.com/current/3.html

Smug is an excellent webzine with lots of great writing - i recommend reading the whole thing, if you've got time; here's an article explaining Christina Aguilera's Genie In A Bottle Song and all it's complicated genius. Or lack thereof. The rest of the issue is great too, especially the article on food shopping on the web. Par excellence.

https://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com/wayne.jpg

Wayne Coyne explains how and why he made the Flaming Lips' last album, which was very critically acclaimed in addition to being real fucking good. Wayne is a weird guy, even by my standards, but this essay on postcard they were handing out at their show explains why i think he is so damn cool and interesting of a person. if you haven't heard the story of when i met him and talked to him, ask me sometime. yet another interesting and weird story.

I was gonna write about an autistic girl i heard about from these Special School District teachers who had no shame in talking about dirty-ass subjects over lunch, but i will save that story for when i see you, most of you soon. it's a good story.
i thought i had lost my black cube safe, that genteel item that housed my in-house bar at school, broken and/or cursed and scorned computer equipment, and any number of sentimental objects that would have otherwise met a fuqd demise at the hands of my brethren who had a favorite pasttime of breaking stuff against the side of the house (ok, it was my pasttime too) - but i hadn't. it was hiding in a corner of my basement, full of all kinds of stuff i thought i had lost. Casablanca, my favorite movie, my favorite episodes of Ken Burns' Civil War, the absolute best book in the world for primary source material on African-American history, not to mention the mug i bought in high school instead of a class ring or anything of real lasting value - it had everyone's names who graduated with me on it. i run into these people all the time, and they don't remember me, and i don't really remember much about them. i use it as a pen/pencil holder. i also located my entire Pearl Jam collection, as well as Soul Asylum's 'Let Your Dim Light Shine'. Being hung over today from 6 bottles of Spaten Optimator, Germany's answer to the question, "Can anyone make a good malt liquor?", i skipped two of my classes where we weren't really doing anything anyway, slept all day, and then listened to the aforementioned album on my way to my other class. I forgot how much Soul Asylum rocks. That's sort of a segway into this link:

http://www.buddyhead.com/other/hessian/love/page/

Somebody thought it'd be funny to put up a fake Metal Chick ad up on AOL and see who and what kind of responses they got. It _was_ funny. Very funny. Especially once you check out the fake bio and the pic. I would contend that the Confederate flag bikini is almost too much, but you can be the judge. the guys who responded and their pictures are just goofy icing on the funny cake.

thought i'd mix things up a bit, just to mess with your mind and sense of order and complacency.

"They say misery
loves company
we could start a company
and make misery
.....Frustrated Incorporated....."

- "Misery" Soul Asylum, a band that rocks

Speaking of misery, i just discovered the new home page has ads at the top; when i popped it up the other day to make sure it was still there, there was a gambling site at the top. i just wanted y'all to know that i didn't pick that and don't make any money off that. yet.

okay, one more damn thing: if you're running around the web and see something cool but large, like an MP3 or bigass cartoon or cool program, you can now plop it into the LCB's own I-drive: http://www.idrive.com/?linkstocureboredom
this drive is infinite in space and i don't give a damn what you put in it, for just your or for everyone's fun. if you think it's really good, funny, interesting, etc., drop me a quick line and tell me and i'll alert people to the fun. anyway, bookmark that i-drive, as i'll be plopping randomly interesting stuff into it, and hopefully you will be too.

3/28
 
 

Greets!

i really don't _try_ and mock my own gender. i'm something of a masculinist in fact - the woman is putting the man down! but perhaps men seek the spotlight more than women, and thus more often fuck up in it, or act just plain stupid, or just don't realize that hey, you're a man. among men. and as sad as it is, your behavior as a man may sometimes be generalized by some short-sighted yet very human individuals who don't judge by the individual. now i'm not saying you shouldn't do as you damn well please - that'd be un-American, and if there's one GodDamn! thing i am, it's a fucking flag-waving allegiance-spouting AMERICAN! but for the love of anything loveable, my fellow men: don't quilt.

http://sr5.xoom.com/mensquilting/

THE Home Page for Men Who Quilt, and who are apparently damn proud of it. Ignore the fact that they're all woosies, living in Woosieville, who drive woosie cars and think woosie thoughts. Be sure to check out the collection of quilt related sayings added by these woosies, not to mention their stories of woosieness.

http://www.av1611.org/hell.html

CHECK THIS OUT: (http://www.av1611.org/sound/misc/dighell.ram) A live recording from Hell - the screams and howls of millions of the damned can be heard. (You can either listen to it with RealPlayer or download the whole .wav file, either way, it's fucking fantastic). You have to read the article in the link above for it to make sense (and truly, it will :), in addition to reading the testimony "from the well respected Finland newspaper". The fact that Art Bell does the narrating part for the audio clip is what makes it perfect and even a bit scary, though the fuzziological arguments behind its "truth" make it pretty darn funny, especially if you know a lot about the Bible and how much this web page author is truly talking out of his entire bowels, not just his ass.

http://www.10k4awife.com/

This guy is offering $10k to whomever can hook him up with a wife. Not only is this sad and humorous, it is working. However, the guy sounds like a total cheesedick who is prolly using this as an excuse to meet Willing women, but what do i know. like i said, it's working. and he's from missouri. there are many bad and worse things about that i'd rather not think about.
 

missouri really is an interesting state. not only do we have detestable urbanity and extreme-Deliverance like rural areas, we have more wackos and weirdos per capita than any state in the nation, and are internationally known for them as well. from the guy in Independence, MO who wants to marry his horse, to Kenna E. Farris in Sullivan, MO, the Forerunner Prophet of the Apocalypse, to yesterday's revelation that a referendum is being placed on Missouri's November presidential ballot to insist that the federal/state governments release all of their UFO records to the public. and this was on the national news. granted, 16 other states are on the way to putting similar referendums on the ballot, but missouri already has the necessary number of signatures and is home to the UFO group that wants it done. i am a proud missourian, but it is sadly ironic that in the show-me state, there is so much stuff i would rather not see.
 
 

3/29

Greetings!

So it seems most everyone is only getting half the funny and half the info that this newsletter mailing seeks to spread. like only driving in the first 2 gears of your manual transmission car. or never using the 4 wheel drive capability of an SUV. so be it. miss the funny. pay higher gas prices, and still miss the funny. be swayed by my propaganda about each site, but never read the real funny. you know, that's how the nazis took power. sort of. well, in a way. too bad the nazis didn't wait 70 years, move to america, and build SUVs instead of VWs. you guys would be suckered. wait a minute, perhaps this is already taking place. it is. capitalists are just trickier nazis. that's why today's LCB takes on a marxist theme.

btw, i am only kidding. *insert smile and nod here*

http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,35154,00.html

blowthedotcomoutofyourass.com . Like it seems in every historical trend that occurs (and don't get me started, i'll go on for longer than you'll pay attention), there's always a backlash. ok, you got me started. the reformation had a counter-reformation. the renaissance saw a counter-renaissance in the form of the inquisition (in a way, work with me here, i'm making a point). i'll spare you other comparisons because i am relatively sober. the point is this: this article is very good in describing the anti-dot-com-ness that is sort of a joke but is also serious in its hatred for and anger at the immense explosion of dot-coms everywhere we cast our eyes, as well as the twenty-somethings that are retiring after making millions. even makes me feel a little marxist.

http://www.crosswinds.net/~myvag/

Ok, so i've had something of an affliction with trying to identify with how women are as women, in comparison to how men are as men. It's sort of like that idea that unless you participate fully in a culture, you cannot fully understand it. i realize that of all the things in the world i cannot ever fully understand, i can never fully understand what it's like to be a woman. however, this girl wrote a very, very detailed site about the chief item in being a woman: her vagina, and EVERYTHING associated with it. all of the questions i could not muster up the courage or overcome the fear of embarassment to ask any girl are answered within this site. Besides, although i have lots of boy/boy interest and boy/girl interest links on this mailing list, i include very few girl/girl links on this mailing list, and this is notably one of them. this is for you, girls. i would advise though to men that.... if you ever wondered .... wonder no more..... [btw, this is an _Outstandingly_ well-written site.]

http://www.plausiblefuture.com/illuminati/bloodlines.html

Great page on Illuminati bloodlines and family histories, not to mention the detailed descriptions of dozens upon dozens of secret medieval and perhaps current secret societies that may be Masonic, Satanic, or whoknowswhat. the page is absolutely HUGE, though if you're a conspiracy nut like myself, well worth the time and effort. according to my grandmother, the authority on all things conspiratorial and masonic in today's political inner-workings (and she's been there, she worked for Goldwater!), the Bilderberger Line is currently in charge of things, and The Spotlight magazine will confirm this, in case you have any doubts. it's a great place to look for band names too. it will serve you well when you see the movie coming out in a bit on the Bones fraternity or whatever, as it is modeled after the Skull and Bones Fraternity, a real fraternity that all the Illuminati seem to join.

http://www.english.upenn.edu/~traister/1899best.html

Some might find this quickly interesting: the 100 best novels from 19th century, and then the 100 best from the 20th. i suggest skipping down to the books, as the preceding paragraphs are quite verbose and only minorly explanatory in the difference in book choice. english majors'd get something of a kick out of it though.

ignore the fact that the CIA is confusing and altogether scary, and we really do end up having a government that, in considering all the governments before now and that exist elsewhere, is pretty darn good. not perfect, not even close, but much much much better than almost all anywhere, ever. it's something to be thankful for, in a way. perhaps it helps give haughty christians their haughtiness - i.e., we're so damn lucky that we're born American and with all of our human freedoms and privileges that that must mean God is on our [Protestant, Christian, whatever] side.

but probably not.

anyway, more flag-waving from me, who once very seriously pondered moving to switzerland, where i thought everything was perfect. it probably is, and i still might, but, you know, whatever.

• The Links to Cure Boredom

Post 3/29 (?) (drunk)

Greetings!

Metaphors have been made in the past referencing relationships with gambling at the Craps table. It's not that bad of a way to look at relationships, really. Some guys dump their steady, money-making ways to up and play the field, though the field is no way to make money since it's only a one-to-one payoff except on 2 and 12, which are too rare to make playing the field any more valuable. Still others play across all the points, putting a lot out on to the table but only rarely does that pay off. Others throw their spare coinage to the hard ways, betting on odd ball combinations that are usually just a waste of time and money. Same with those throwing down on the horn or on old big red. big red is too temperamental to ever be a good bet. the worst are those who throw money at the hopping bets; not only are these frivolous bets in any regard, they are one-shot, high-risk bets that are mainly done so someone can impress friends and gamblers with their ability to call such bets and throw money around. and then there are some who show up with thousands of dollars and simply just play the pass line. while they are the only ones who consistently make money, they are bored out of their gourds and are the scourge of any craps table they come to. they are usually forced out by evil stares or kicked out by gambling management after they've been at the table too long. thus, there's no perfect or even fiscally preferable way to play craps.

so, what does one do?

don't gamble.

invest.

http://www.askjesus.org/

I wish this time around's links had been done in Jesus style, harkening back to such great LCB's as the one done in Jar Jar Binks style (ugh). This neato toy comes from the above link, where you will also find another high-quality death test, the third of which we have featured on LCB. Maybe if you average all the scores, you might come to some sort of silly conclusions about your future. Anyway, according to the stats received at the end of the test, it is amazing how many people have leprosy and have starred in porno films. BTW, mucho thanks to Heath for this one.

*quickie*
http://www.amestrib.com/news.cfm?num=1088

Students from Iowa State sent their congressmen plywood postcards opposing budgets cuts to higher education funding, except they mispelled 3 words. Given the rest of the article, things don't sound good for the Iowa kids. Maybe they sorta deserve what she says in the last line, even if they can't even spell legeslaytre.

*quickie*
http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/past30.html

This takes "sweatin' like a whore in church" to a WHOLE new level." There are some who want the word of God to reach everyone in the world, and then there are some who just want prostitutes at their mass. God bless those Special People.

*quickie*
http://www.dailynorthwestern.com/daily/issues/2000/03/31/campus/homer.shtml

Okay, that's just cool. Kudos to them. Read it for yourself, and perhaps cry a little too. Especially if you like anything classical Greek.

*quickie*
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/000403/9/a2tk7.html

Interesting: Tarantino is writing the liner notes for Johnny Cash's next compilation album, claiming an underclass connection with Cash's murder ballads and today's rap. And Johnny Cash is making another album, believe it or not. And "Tennessee Stud" really is a great friggin' song.

*quickie*
http://www.penis-pillow.com/images/anim/girlAnim.gif
http://www.penis-pillow.com/index.html

What everybody needs. And the Beatles thought that all you need is love. What a crock.

http://www.tdesignz.com/icu/index.html

The last but definitely not least link today is quite the doozy. While i will not go into anyone i've ever heard of's on-line relationship failures and disasters, i will say in the context of this link, i do not know who is worse: the cheater for having taken advantage of the nieve, or the once-nieve going above and beyond revenge for being taken advantage of. There's revenge, and then there's the revenge of the computer nerd, which is SO much worse. Don't ever cheat on a computer nerd; they will make your life a living hell. Though you may very well deserve it. This guy is proof of both.

Speaking of Hell, my former university's president Jack Magruder recently delivered books (in the name of many other distinguished individuals who actually did the backbreaking research) directly to the Pope (who even by my ex-Catholic standards, is still The Man), and this brought to mind a couple of dreams i've had lately. Now i don't dream much any more - attribute that to too much drinking or stress or not enough sleep or what have you, but i don't. Screw trying to interpret making out with chix at high school drag-racing contests, or actually being blessed by Satan at a New York pilgrimage sight, it's just not worth the effort. i don't even know if those were real or fake, to tell you the truth. too much Pale Ale tonight, i guess. getting back on track, i dreamt i was getting married last night. completely out of the blue. for no good reason. i've had this kind of dream before, except then it was better. last night i was getting married in some sort of convenience store in northwestern Missouri, where they didn't allow cigarette sales after 10pm. what kind of convenience store does that? In northwestern Missouri of all places? And then i got into an argument with her brothers about which city was better - st. louis or chicago? HOW THE HELL WOULD THEY KNOW? THEY'RE FROM NORTHWESTERN MISSOURI!! They claimed to know why though. why i was actually getting hitched at a convenience store though is completely beyond me, though to an extent i am worried.

Weird, i just smelled the smell that my house has that i've never really smelled before, and it's weird.

Savage love,
for the teenagers with automatic weapons and boundless love
(maybe one and half of you will get that reference),

chris

https://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com/

4/6

Greetings!

After a soccer game i officiated many many moons ago, a player approached me to discuss a call i had made. This player was a fellow of some notoriety on campus, being a very prominent member of a very prominent fraternity - its president in fact, for a time. He meant to intimidate me. That fact was clear. Two very large brethren of his stood behind him as he confronted me, and he began to try and break me down into admitting i had made a bad call. Having very little confidence in most things i do, i feel like a god when i officiate soccer, because i love it and am very good and comfortable at it. I sat down, put my feet up, and repelled every strike at my credibility with a near smart-ass intensity. Had i ever officiated before? Yes, for 8 years. Was i even qualified? Certainly, trained and certified under NCAA, MSHAA, and FIFA instructors. Did i even see what happened? Most certainly, and i made the call i did based on my own judgement and precedents set by other referees i have observed in similar situations. So what pissed me off about this? It was the first time i ever heard the garbage attempt to not assign rightness or wrongness to a situation: "Then we agree to disagree." Wait a minute, i'm not agreeing with you on anything. Let's make the obvious in some way official. Let's state, for the record, that we have an outstanding difference of opinion, and that no one is really right or wrong. Bullshit. John Cougar Mellencamp said it best: "I fight authority and authority always wins." It does. I win. But why does that matter? Because authority dictates rightness and wrongness. Because if you wish to correct injustice, you have to become authority in one form or another. Tolerance is one thing; lying down and 'agreeing to disagree', or compromisingly accepting or allowing wrong things to pervade one's life is no way to live. There is also room for one to realize their egoism in a given situation, and accept after the fact that they very well might be wrong, as was the objectionable fellow in the above anecdote.
Just something i needed to get off my chest. Maybe someone will start a Rants to Cure Boredom someday, and i can post to that.
How this all leads into genetically altered mice that never gain weight, i have no idea. Shit happens.

http://www.msnbc.com/news/387459.asp

Mice with low body-fat from a forced genetic defect might lead to more people like me running around: skinny but can eat anything and everything and never gain a pound. 't'would lead itself well into the american philosophy of "waste not, want not, so eat a whole shitload cause it tastes good." That just scares me. As interesting as i think it would be to have a genetically manipulated clone of myself. Especially if i could manipulate his genetics - like give myself super-powers and stuff. x-ray vision would be neat.

http://www.houseochicks.com/main.html

I will say right off the bat that I just like themes, and am not a pervert. That being said, I encourage everyone to become a Vulvalutionary!! While most of this site seems to want to tell girls "the truth" about sex and masturbation and wotnot, it also seems to want to promote some sort of poorly thought out feminist agenda, though i can't quite put my finger on how exactly it does it. Perhaps it has something to do with the crappy, unreferenced historical crap this person throws all over this site. Anyway, I strongly encourage everyone to see The Wondrous Vulva Puppet (in the little selection bar in the upper-right hand corner, select Puppets, then the Go! button, then the left hand figure at the bottom of that page. I can only humorously imagine any woman talking in front of any class with such a puppet and keeping a straight face, but then again, i am an "insensitive fuck"). It ONLY costs $200 and is covered with semi-precious stones, just like a real vulva! I ask myself continuously that they have to be joking with this stuff, but, well, they aren't. just like real feminists, i guess. okay, not really.

http://www.cdnow.com/cgi-bin/mserver/SID=574349931/pagename=/RP/CDN/FIND/album.html/artistid=VA-SOUNDTRACK+FOR+A+CENTURY+(SOUNDTRACK)/itemid=795081

This is the listing for a massive compilation CD release called Songs of the Century. It is very interesting to see what songs are considered to be indicative of our century. I also find it humorous that whomever was typing this seemingly got bored or frustrated with it, and stopped after disc 12 of 26. Hee.

For some reason i've been noticing that every History Channel presentation has the same entity doing the music - "De Wolfe". The credits never say whether this is the name of some corporate music-making company or a guy who kinda looks like Yanni and can play a couple cheap-ass keyboards at once. I prefer the latter. Because that is basically what every De Wolfe piece sounds like - imagine this Yanni-like character behind a couple of slightly-above average Yamaha keyboards in a darkened studio with an incredibly over-serious look on his face, producing these 3 note ho-hummers of music that sound like a cross between fifties swashbuckler fight scene background music, and the funeral march for the so-long deceased that no one even gives a damn anymore. Now you truly understand the music manifestos that are
"De Wolfe."

- The Links to Cure Boredom

http://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com

4/10

Greetings!

The Quick LCB Shopping Guide for Whiskey:
First off, WHY are you buying whiskey? Unless you've got money, it's a horrid idea.
That being said, here are a few helpful hints, drawn from past experience and drinking buddies.
First, any whiskey with "Old" in the title is gonna taste like something that has been sitting around a while, and not in that "good for alcohol" kind of way. Be prepared to be seeing this whiskey again not too long after ingesting it. Old Crow and Old Granddad are examples of such foul concoctions. Second, any store brand whiskey is hardly going to taste like whiskey, and is probably unfit for human consumption. I think the FDA lets it slide because they think it's funny. Kind of like the "Old" stuff. Thirdly, any whiskey named after any random person is decent, if not damn good. Jim Beam and Johnny Walker score in this category. Any whiskey with 'Jack' in the title is a step above this - Yukon Jack and Jack Daniels are among the finest in whiskeys. Any whiskey named after a location or a ship are par excellence - BushMills and Cutty Sark are fine, fine examples of this. Finally, Makers' Mark and Dewars are simply the best, but, of course, they will cost you your first-born child. It almost makes it worth it though, because you look and sound cool as hell when ordering it at a bar. Like you're some kinda freewheelin' crazy ass swinger who drinks whiskey and gets the classy chicks.
Any way, another public service provided to you by the LCB, who did have to delve into Scotch Whiskey a bit to make a full and believable list. Purists can suck my ass. And not enjoy it.

I have had a short attention span tonight, as i need sleep. Thus, enjoy the pictures.

*Pictures*
http://www.alpha-net.ne.jp/users2/chack/chaxtati.html

I hope this link works for everyone. It's a japanese page full of unintelligible wingdings script, but simply click on random blue lines of rectangles down the middle of the page, and weird pictures will pop up of cartoon monkeys attacking small children, and lots of similar humorous nonsense that would make great wallpaper for your room. These are apparently postcards they sell on the streets in Japan, which only adds to the humor, since they have that Hello Kitty kind of look to them.

*Interactive Picture*
http://sodaplay.com/index.htm

More short-attention span web fun - simply grab the little drawing in the box near the bottom with your mouse pointer, and drag it around and do stuff. It's fun for about 5 minutes, but it's high quality quick fun and really really neato, so, whatever. Not as much fun as dress-a-dyke, but still fun.

*Picture*

https://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com/exams.jpg

It's better than my high school class's senior prank.
 

Looking through the bargain box in the paper the other day at work (i work VERY hard), i stumbled across something i had no real idea what it really was. I had my guesses though. An electric breast pump. Always up for starting a stimulating discussion with the high-schoolers and male and female sluts that work there, i begged the question, "What the hell is an electric breast pump?" I consider this the first mile on this little road of ignorance. Just my dumb luck that the girl that sorta has a thing for me and i have a Major thing for didn't just laugh it off and walk away - in fact, she insisted on telling me, in detail. Which i discovered i really didn't want to know. What was never adequately explained to me was why it had to be electric. Why couldn't a hand-crank or good old-fashioned squeezing work? I guess i don't know that much about breasts though. Her analogy was that cows requires pumps. My comeback was a woman's really only gotta feed one small, hungry customer. Unless there's something i didn't know. Which is likely, and thus i stated i wanted to know no more. She humorously obliged. Oddly enough, it was a very endearing conversation. Who'da thought. Flirting, with an electric breast pump discussion.

I rule.

- The Links to Cure Boredom

5/3

Greetings!

Spring break/finals shit LCB hiatus hasn't done me much good, but i have drank a lot of beer, which has its own rewards.
When I woke up this morning, i heard my roommate singing in the shower, which was carrying through the air ducts in the apartment. he works a 40 hour/week job, so the song he was singing was especially appropriate and so ironically funny i couldn't help waking up laughing:

"I gotta get up / gotta go to work
gotta come home and gotta go to bed
cuz i gotta get up / gotta go to work
gotta come home and gotta go to bed
cuz i gotta get up / gotta go to work
gotta come home and gotta go to bed
cuz i gotta get up / gotta go to work
gotta come home and gotta go to bed
cuz i gotta get up / gotta go to work
gotta come home and gotta go to bed
so i can sleep my two days off a week,
and do it all over again..."

it's not as bad as some people's lives i guess, he gets to sleep in a little and can show up whenever he wants in the morning. awesome.

http://www.smallpenis.org/

Got a small one anyone? Here's a support group for you. I like the Kama Sutra excerpt on how to enlarge your member. What scares me is that some people prolly have done this. BTW, don't read the President's bio. Just trust me on this one.

http://www.trainupachild.com/

Biblical action figures: For the kid who must live, breathe, and play Biblically. And endures being beat up repeatedly for being a woose. Notably, Black Jesus is an option. I hate to let the cat out of the bag on graduation gifts for everyone too, but it's funny.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/philly/sexworker1.shtml

A how-to guide on being a prostitute, in case anyone was thinking of picking up the trade. This is actually distributed in New York City and in Philadelphia, using city funds to do so. "Do not wear anything that may slow you down if you have to run," and other helpful advice, including lubricants and the primary service of the hooker, blowjobs. Heavens to Betsy, thank god for city government.

http://www.gate.net/~heyou/jumpers.htm

I've put a few sick sites on the LCB mailing list in the past, but this is perhaps the most bizarre. Predict when the next person is going to jump off the Sunshine Skyway Bridge in St. Petersburg. It's dark humor, but dark humor rules, though hardly anybody understands the funny. "note to potential jumpers: you will be automatically disqualified if you are the jumper on the guess you provide." gets me into trouble with friends. explains my love for The Handsome Family though. here's a news article from the guy who runs the site: http://www.sptimes.com/News/050300/TampaBay/Web_site_lampoons_Sky.shtml

http://www.phillynews.com/inquirer/2000/May/02/city/EGOAT02.htm

Headless goats with slit open stomachs that someone pored baked beans into? since when do Satanic cults have baked beans laying around? then again, i don't put this past a fraternity either, though what they'd be doing with baked beans i'd rather not know, or even use my imagination about. oh well, just did.
******
ever try and find a mnemonic for your phone number but were too lazy to write down the however-many combos for it? or wanted a mnemonic for someone else's number? try here: http://www.phoneSpell.org/
if nothing else, it's amusing, and a good distraction, which is what we're here for.

- The Links to Cure Boredom

5/4

Greetings!

Points to Ponder: (things i've been mulling over in my head, Really)

- Why has the spork never made it into the mainstream? It's a fork, it's a spoon, it's so useful!
- Whatever happened to the Other dad on My Two Dads? Paul Reiser found something else for us to revile... i guess the other guy got custody.
- If Batman met a vampire, wouldn't the vampire kick his ass?
- Marsupial meat - not bird, not mammal, so what does it taste like?
- Why Davey Lopes? Why why why, God?
- If one went to Heaven in the physical state one died in, would anyone really want to go?

http://www.karmafarm.com/letter.html
http://www.karmafarm.com/formletter.html

Guys: Ever needed to write an apology but just couldn't find the words? Well someone went to the effort of producing an apology form letter for us guys. I'm sending him an award - it's hard to find fellow masculinists, helping us stave off the beat-down Woman has put on us. For an encore (the 2nd link) he produced a Bitch Letter Generator for the ladies, since as he said and i readily agree, quite simply, women do not apologize. They don't. It's a fact.
Oh, i forgot, they don't do anything wrong. Ever. My bad.

http://www.sci.tamucc.edu/~pmichaud/toast/

Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow Torches: Fun with science you can have in your own home! Especially if you like blowing stuff up, and big flames, and have a spare toaster and have tolerant neighbors who don't mind smoke billowing frm your home.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/frames.html

The web home for heartless bitches. Yeah. So this is where all the cool women have been hiding....in Canada.

Time for silly pick-up lines!!:
+ Is your daddy a fireman? Because you make me turn red all over and go "Woo woo!"
+ If God paid for our sins, let"s go get our money"s worth.
+ I think you're hot. And I don't have a fat fetish.
+ Hey, could you stick your fingers in my coffee and make it all sweet for me?
+ I"ll take you over my hand any day! [scandalous!]
Here's a quarter...I'd like to make a donation to the You Look Good Foundation.
+ Girl, you look like a Good God wrapped up in a Have Mercy with a side of Hallelujah!
+ You must have just gotten run over by a NASCAR sponsored by "Sexy"!
+ If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen!
+ A philosopher once said, "Beauty is truth, truth is beauty". If that's true, then you, baby, have never lied.
+ I would love you even if both your arms were chopped off by an airport's revolving doors.
+ God was showing off when he made you.
+ Can I buy you a drink so I look better?
+Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
+ If I had a nickel for every time I saw a girl as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
+ You must work at Subway, "cause you just gave me a footlong.

Philosopher, revolving door, and the nickel one were awesome. They will be used. Mucho thanks to the folks at eCrush.com for their wisdom and cheese.

- The Links to Cure Boredom

5/9

Greetings!

It seems that when i have to do a whole lot of good writing in a short amount of time, i have to not eat, not sleep, and drink very little, and suddenly great writing thought just comes to me. Granted, this ain't so healthy, and by the time i'm done, furniture has started slowly moving around the room without my impetus, and the gremlins under the bed can't stop talking about fish swimming backwards. Driving becomes a seriously existential and moving experience. Phrases like, "My love sleeps somewhere in the radiance inside" are written down on random pieces of paper, but their inspirations or even meaning are lost within minutes. Reminds me of this guy who stayed on a roller coaster too long, and another fellow significant in the history of psychology and sleep studies who was a radio DJ and stayed awake for 8-9 days or whatever and began freaking out toward the end, hallucinating and stuff about bugs crawling over the scientists who were watching him and stuff. Cool.

http://www.brunching.com/features/mmo.html

If you've never heard of this folks, listen up: if you're a fella, now you can experience multiple orgasms without Good Old John Thomas getting out of his chair, if you know what i mean. There's a seminar floating around major cities of the U.S. led by a fellow named Jack Johnston who promotes this sort of thing in a Christian-cultish kind of way. And all you have to do is moan then shout and thrust your stomach or something. Well, and get in touch with your inner Yod. I'm against all this, simply because every muscle in your body needs exercise

http://mujweb.cz/www/wazzup/

Here is my only public commentary on the Elian crap: a link to an offensive yet still high-lariously funny website that mocks the whole thing. You need Macromedia Flash to really get the funny here, but it's worth it, in a really stupid Wazzup kind of way.

http://www.cspinet.org/nah/

Ok, so now that school is out for summer (but as wrong as Alice Cooper unfortunately is, not forever), i can start eating healthier again. I always assumed this would happen when i got some health-conscious girlfriend who wouldn't give me my daily whipping and beating unless i ate healthy, but upon the discovery of Food Porn, it is definitely time to turn over a new leaf. See if one of your favorite foods makes the food porn list. Everything on the Right Stuff list sounds pretty crappy though. What a waste of time...Food Advocacy Groups. Like people think the Cini-Minis at BK are good for them.

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/6443/cat1.html

This guy's cat had impacted bowels, and he somehow had to solve the problem. The story is kinda funny, i guess, but the crayon drawings he did to accompany his story are, well, top-notch. O K, stupid and childish, but still damn funny.

We have cable internet access in our apartment, and i must say that it really rocks. Listening to radio stations in Brazil and Lawrence RULES, as does every other waste of time associated with the internet. Less time gets wasted, or at least the same amount gets wasted more effectively. Whatever. Finals and end-of-semester BS is done, so i am going to be wasting lots of time in the near future. Heavens to Betsy. Work sucks, I know.

- The Links to Cure Boredom

5/12

Greetings All!

You know, it's weird how un-cognitive basic daily bodily functions can become. I was just taking a pee, for example, and it occurred to me, "Hey, i never even think about doing this while i'm doing it, i think of something else, usually whatever the hell peeing interrupted." And while i could lecture about how there is meaning in all things/actions/chaos/whatever BS... it is odd how the simple things pass us by, and we currently wonder why older people just sit back and enjoy said simple things. They explain the entire purpose of park benches, which up until now i never really understood why they were there at all. That and grandparents' obsession with grandkids. Funny how it all makes sense now.

http://www.paylars.com/

Metallica, specifically Lars Ulrich, hates and is attempting to to sue those people who develop such, umm, interesting programs as Napster and any program or website that doles out MP3's or organizes any way in which people can exchange them. He claims that is taking money out of his pocket. While i would like not pass judgement on this decision of his (since i believe Metallica, if anyone, rocks), i would agree with the creator of this downright silly website that his opinions are, at least, misguided. At this site, you can donate money to Lars and Metallica to help them off-set the "huge" impact of MP3s on their profits. So some records execs might not get that extra snort of coke before quittin' time. You can help out, here's your chance!

http://cnn.com/2000/TRAVEL/NEWS/05/10/diggerland.reut/index.html

Cool: a construction company decided to open a theme park for kids in England where kids get to drive bigass dump trucks and stuff. I wanna play with the HUGE crane and SMASH stuff!

http://www.cousincouples.com/

Romantically involved with your cousin? Then this web site is for you! Make friends, chat online with, and learn "the facts" about making circles and bushes within your family tree. "In plain terms first cousins have a 90-95 percent chance of having healthy children." That's pretty lousy, if you ask me. Still, it's allowed everywhere in Europe, so it must be alright.
 

Someone i know brought up a good point today - why don't people, when sick with an airborne infectious disease, wear surgical masks wherever they go? Granted, it isn't the most stylish thing in the world, but if you really gotta go where you're going, you can keep everyone from getting sick along the way. Of course, then again, in America, where panic strikes the populace at the drop of a hat, no one wants to see anyone running around with a surgical mask on. That person will automatically be declared "weird" rather than considerate, and outcasted rather than thanked. I guess that's what makes Japanese people better than American people, besides a bulk of other things. On the other hand, we have better music. Ok, we have _some_ better music. Their pop music is so much, well, poppier. And funner. And happier. And sillier. Them crazy japs ain't so bad!

Remember sunday is mother's day. i almost forgot. Again.

- The Links To Cure Boredom

5/16

Greetings Friends and People Whote Hate Me and Are Getting This Anyway!

This LCB edition's theme is the Impact Quote, something one-page wonders of internet sites attempt to use as a hook to make you enjoy their personal web site. I admit it, i've done it on some of the 1/2 dozen web sites i've made (and never promoted), but i've never mastered it and have grown to find it funny and weenily stupid, prolly cause i never mastered it. Anyhow, the third link in our mailing today is a prime example of the Impact Quote, and how it can effect your web readership for your site, as well as how you can build the theme, the readership, and the over-the-top self-importanceness to make your personal web site a success.

http://www.thecurrentonline.com/989/news1.html

And you thought the student elections at your school in your day were fuqd up: at the recent UMSL Student Government Association Elections, Nobody won. Literally - they ran out of ballots and cancelled the election. Be sure to check out the priceless quotes contained within, and you will GET DOWN ON YOUR FACE! and THANK GOD! you did not go to UMSL as an undergraduate student. For example: "I think it should have been handled better than that," [student body president Darwin] Butler said. "The student government that was here while I was incarcerated, I think they had more than enough time to make sure that this situation got taken care of, and it didn't." Damn that's funny!!

http://www.smh.com.au/news/0005/15/features/features2.html

Keeping you up to date on the latest news in the Italian porn industry, it seems it has become very trendy as of late for them to enter nunneries (aka, more appropriately, convents). Stated reasons for entering: love of gardening and cooking. Great quote from one celebrity entering a convent: "Finally I am serene. My friends and volleyball companions didn't understand me." We all know how that is. My volleyball companions never understand me either. That may be because i walk around holding my arm pits and sitting with my knees against my chest though. {Note: Be patient on this link, it's from Australia, where apparently it's ok to print news about porn stars}

http://hometown.aol.com/fixerbath/express/nature.htm

"Our God is seen in all of His creation. Mankind is without reason or excuse for recognizing his Creator and worshipping Him accordingly......" Sometimes i wish everyone would follow these links and get the total funny. This is another one where i can't quite put into words how whatever-funny this page is - imagine (or actually visit the link) combining faux-artsy nature pictures with pop-model cleavage shots to make a point about Christianity and Creation. Some Christian guy is at home wankin' it, to be sure.
 

I will take this opportunity to clear the air on an issue near and dear to my heart, the supposed accepting of the possibility that i will be forever single, proposed by loving yet confused-about-the-dulatt friends a few weeks ago. Unwilling to accept this on any terms, i have composed the following argument for everyone's entertainment and introspection, hoping to get such responses as "Oh Chris, i was such a dumbass" or "Chris, you didn't understand a fucking word i said" or "Chris, will you be my personal Jesus?" On a related note, my roommate called upon the services of Jesus Christ the other day when stocking his bookshelf. Jesus Christ failed to assist him. He's gonna try again tomorrow though.

"
Philosophical argument by dialogue is a tried and perhaps true technique used by many famous philosophers. So i shall try it here, and argue with my alter-ego, Carla, who actually wrote an LCB edition awhiles back. BTW, Carla is not _exactly_ homo, she's just "open-minded."

'So you're single. perhaps you should just accept that possibility, right?

Wait a minute, this isn't funny.

Hold on, yes it is, give me a second.

Okay.

So what does it mean to accept that you're single?

I don't know.

Let's posit that it means that you're not in denial on your lack-of-dating status.

No.

Ok. Let's advance the theory that it means that you're forever committed to a life of singularity and unhappiness, only to be broken by occasional bouts of slutty blowjobs and women who lie about their kids in order to sucker you in to supporting them even though they don't really give that much of a fuck about you or really even their own existence, kind of like russian soldiers.

No, i don't think so.

Hmm. Well, let's argue the semantic then that it means you should be prepared to deal with the hopefully/hopelessly inevitable social contract of being never with anyone happily for any set period of time, and since life just is that way sometimes to any random person, your SOL status justifies throwing in the towel, and shitting but staying on the pot, bawling your eyes out. I want to say 'just like Van Halen' or 'just like Newt Gingrich' or something, but it requires imagination, and an Etch-A-Sketch.

Give me a fucking break, hell no.

[Since all philosophical denials come in threes before an counter-argument is made about the original position, this diatribe now arrives at its final conclusion. It should be stated the intention/meaning/semantics of the original statement as stated is not completely understood, but is enough to rant about. This is akin to anything said by an ultra-rightist or ultra-leftist - Rush Limbaugh, Patty Hearst, or any of the Hollywood Commie celebs.]

Well then. Let us gather our sticks and make wind (?). Accepting that you're single must either mean that A) you don't have what it takes to not be single and are thus resigned to it by sheer force of nature, B) you're stuck in the 'single' class in society, and can only be socially promoted when those in power allow you to raise up..... C) The love of your life is stuck trying to grow green peppers on the side of a mountain in the Transylvanian Hills of Poland 36.876 miles southeast of Krakow, unsuccessfully, not knowing that you ever exist and you and her are thus, well, completely fuqckxed, or D) That there is no ---- glory, fun, honor, virtue, truth, good, wonder, explosions, pathos, killer bees, stunning revelations, excitement, sight of God, amazing heights of joy, sizzling lust, pleasurable drunkenness, looking-into-the-sun-blindness, dull roar of farm animals, strap-ons, crap crap crap, moldy games of trivial pursuit while drinking lots of Old Crow and WINNING, sporting events, hard-ons, footprints on the ceiling from god-knows-where, native american reefer smell, radio stations that play nothing but 1950's waltzes all night, high school chix that [still] think you're the Shit, mirror balls, more explosions, kick-boxing, streaking, drinking a whole bottle of rum and somehow thinking that's ok, running blocks through the soaking rain late at night to get to a park only because it has an obelisk and an empty wading pool that looks neat beneath the dim park lights, enjoying talking about the mutual delight in natural disasters and massaging and taking ibuprofen for each other's sore and cramped thigh muscles ---- to pursuing the opposite sex, constantly, incessantly, and fervently, through anything and everything, trying to find the right one, trying to find a right one, trying to find an adequate one, trying to find anyone.

D.

Ok, i can accept that.'

How to fight.. loneliness....
Just smile all the time....

- j. tweedy
"

- The Links to Cure Boredom
http://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com
"Your gateway to the funny!"

5/22

What i can't handle is we're already almost halfway through this year. That's nuts. Utterly nuts. I can't stand it.

Greetings!

Been there, no luck at all, nothing left to lose.
Been there, no luck at all, nothin' left to lose,
i've been there......

"There's a penguin flying the plane....
and he's been drinking!" - gotta love _The Critic_

http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/05/10/wild.turkey.fire.ap/

A warehouse full of that fine, fine bourbon whiskey known as Wild Turkey went up in flames the other day in Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. Nobody was hurt, except for huge huge fans of Wild Turkey, and people who don't like their Kentucky River fish tasting like nasty bourbon whiskey. I originally heard about this on NPR, and someone was conducting an interview with some Wild Turkey official. The guy said the river was 2% Wild Turkey, but there was "no significant environmental impact." Except for the poor fish that had to suffer. And suffer they did - the next morning, thousands of fish washed up. That's all i gotta say about Wild Turkey. Other than the fact that as a waiter, you can't even sell Wild Turkey to the criminally alcoholic.

http://www.austin360.com/statesman/editions/tuesday/metro_state_2.html

An eccentric math professor in Austin left almost $500k to an organization that followed the teachings of Hatonn, "Commander in Chief of the Pleiades Sector Flight Command," a 9 1/2 foot tall extraterrestrial who was expected to beam said professor up one of these cotton-pickin' days and take him away. Anyway, due to legal wrangling and all the money being in gold coins, it ended up being a big mess, and the judge had to settle the whole thing by gathering up all the gold in court, throwing it into a pot, and then divying it out. How silly.

http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A21559-2000May17.html

I never include anything for the geeks on my list. Usually the geeks have enough time to find out all this stuff for themselves since they're sitting in front of computers all day, but i digress. This is something everyone can enjoy. A software program coming out from a rogue operator within AOL wrote a piece of software that allows anyone on the net the exchange files with any other person directly, without using any sort of central drop-off point, even with AOL as your net service provider. Supposedly, this can topple your big corporate internet giants, and maybe someday it will, but doubtfully anytime soon. Anyone for Anarchy and complete self-government? Not me, says i, not yet.

There are trees in California known as Joshua Trees. These trees live to be over 4,000 years old. What'd be weird is if, for some reason and through some means, we discovered these trees were conscious, and have been sitting around the whole time, taking in the history of their world. That'd be something. That and we'd learn something of what it'd be like to live that long. Supposedly Moses lived to around 500 years old. Another guy in the Bible (octavious, or something like that) supposedly lived to be 900. I bet those last 800 years REALLY dragged along for him. To think, we've seen one 500 year flood. He probably saw two. Then again, there's also these trees around the Sea of Galilee in Jordan and Israel that ignite and burst into flame if the rocks near them so much as stir and create the tiniest spark. Apparently this happens all the time, just while you're walking around out there and stuff.

- The Links to Cure Boredom
http://linkstocureboredom.tripod.com